and i can't sleep. recurrent nightmares. flashbacks. intensely bad feelings. can't put them away... i'm eating. i'm eating a lot. carbs and chocolate and the like to fill my body up to fill my body up to stuff it full such that it gets heavy... heavy like a stone... hurts some, yes. but helps to numb things. dull ache. lethargy. better than the short sharp shocks better than the anxiety where everything is tinged in black. better than the screaming. better than the black dripping down peoples faces... i hate this. i hate me. i hate me so much.

see what happens when you care about someone? something happens and they need to do something which involves their forgetting all about you. they %#@&#! off and somehow you are supposed to be able to just forget about them and continue on with your life. forget about them and then when they return and want to take you out of your box out of your cage and play with you you are supposed to be all happy they have returned.

well %#@&#! that. the world doesn't work that way. i'm not anyones %#@&#! pet.

i hate people