It's ok, you don't have to share if it's too hard right now. Sometimes people "react" to stressful challenges in ways they wish they hadn't, but, it's really important to consider whatever lack of emotional outlet and support one had available too. Often the fight or flight response can seem irrational, but again, it all depends of whatever one sees as a way to either escape or try to fight back.

It's very important to keep in mind the access to getting help, and the maturity level at the time too. It's important to remember that what is "now" has a lot more maturity then faced with challenges in the past. Also, in the "now" you have an outcome too, that is never really there during a stressful event or trauma.

The most "important" thing to understand is whatever did take place, however you did react, was based on a lot more than you realized, your sense of self and self worth plus a lot of your history that led to your choices that stem from the way your childhood created your deep set opinions of yourself too. Also, often "shame" can be something a person "hides" and tried to make up for in other ways, often "alone" because they don't have someone that they feel they can go to for help without feeling whatever it is will just be worse for them. And that is really what you are showing when you are finally trying to talk about some things and are terrified your therapist will somehow judge you badly instead of "help" you.

It "does" take courage, it "is" scary too. However, you need to be brave and sort through it all, you definitely deserve to have that take place, even though you have so many emotions and fears about it. Remember though Jane, "everyone has skeletons" and have done things they are later ashamed of doing. Therapists hear so many things, I know my therapist has.

((Warm Hugs wrapping around you to comfort you and to encourage you to keep on trying and knowing you are really a good person)))
OE