and i understand how its supposed to go
but it didn't go that way for me
my mother pushed me and pulled me according to her needs
so i turned away from her
and my father left me
he knew what she was like and he left me
didn't think about what she was doing to me
left because of what she was doing to him
and she got worse of course because it was just her and me

and every night i cried
didn't know what was wrong
but every night i cried
unsoothed emotion
fragmentation
annihilation
every night i cried

and he didn't care about me
didn't think on me at all
left me for better things
and didn't look back at all

and part of me still is locked away

started to trust
started to come out

but now is left and forgotten

and the fears are coming back

its not rational

but the breaking up
annihilation

and he isn't allowed to just put me away until he chooses to take me out again
i don't work like that
i don't work that way
and i won't just trust him when he comes back
not sure i can trust him again

but i won't be going back

not after this