I will try to explain better. I often wonder what is delusional and what is real. I think I prefer delusional over real. When I get really stable and balanced, I feel normal and see myself as I really am, and I don't like what I see. The problem is I don't like myself. But if I avoid the reality and live in my delusional states, I'm always some one better. Or at least that's what I think any way. The reality is more scary then the delusions.

But I also get to another point of reality that scares me. The uncertainty. I am afraid of living and I am also afraid of dying. I'm not sure which I am more afraid of. I guess it depends on the moment. And what frightens me is the uncertainty in both life and death.

Some times I just want to avoid all of that reality. I would not mind being in a constant dream state never waking up. I only get like this occasionally, the the strange thing about it is it always seems to be when I get closer to reality.