We have all hear our whole lives to never regret, resent, and never say never. Well today I have alot of regrets and they are all big regrets cause face it there is no little regrets to life. As far back as to i can remember to today all of my regrets always from one time to another pop back into my head and will not leave me alone. They torment me to the point of anxiety, and panic attacks. Of the fear that the feeling will never leave.

MY REGRETS:[LIST][*]Never standing up for myself against my family[*]Never standing up to any one [*]Never truly speaking my mind[*]Not being honest with my pychitrist when i was younger[*]Not moving out at 18[LIST][*]Feeling like no one cared or loved me[*]Not doing my best when i always could [*]Hurting any one i my family [*]Staying with my first boyfriend for as long as i did [*]Staying with any relationship as long as i did[*]Letting my sensitivity always get the best of me[*]Letting me be my own worst enemy [*]Cutting myself as deep as i did[*]any and every time i made my mom cry [*]Letting my BPD take over my life[*]Using alcohol as a self treatment method[*]Using drugs as a self treatment method[*]Letting my drinking turn into an everyday event[*]Having to be drunk to confront everything and everyone[*]Getting sober to fall so hard [*]Destroing my relationship with half my family[*]Taking in all the blame, and turning it into self hate [*]Always blaming myself for everything and hurting myself just because i thought i deserved it[*]Having the need to have unhealthy sex with any partner

...Feeling like i had control of my life and mind, treating my alcohol as a treat to me instead of the treatment that it was, not seeing my callings or wake up calls before it got so bad, i know i havent hit rock bottom yet but i dont want to see it, going out and blacking out for 24 hours to have my family look for me and think i was dead, then to go to the hospital and decline a rape kit because i truly felt that no one would believe that something that traumatic actually happened, i didnt want to believe what happened and still dont...

So regret will sit with every one differently we all might feel it at one point in time, some are fortunate enough to be able to let it go or drop it right away, and some are like me let every moment be regretful and just self destruct over it, this is why i am finally saying i regret and i am writing it down so it can now sit on this thread and not on me anymore. I want to finally take these in let them out and learn from all of them to not do it again and get help. My first step came from my last fall and i am ready to face my demons and scream at them to get out. I have to do what ever it takes even if it will change me the way i think my personality, myself... i am now willing to take that risk. I am my worse enemy so that shows alone that something in me needs to leave.