So, I'm a binge eater. And I have been for four years now. I've had body-image issues since I was nine - parents do have a tendency to get into your head - and now I'm twenty years old.
This spring was the first time I managed to go 30 days without binge eating, the longest before that was 14 days during the fall of 2012. In March, I did my 30 days, in May I did 21. This past Tuesday, I just messed up again after another 21 binge-free days. And I feel so stupid. Since then, four days now, I've eaten... everything. I let my guard down the last time I went grocery shopping, thinking that I could keep good, healthy food in the house and make some delicious choices instead of eating the same thing every day. I stocked up for a month... and now, I've pretty much eaten it all.

Now I feel so stupid. I had a horrible summer, gained weight in a couple of months. And every time I binge, I think "this was the last time", "tomorrow" - that's my favorite. Tomorrow. What a joke.

I hadn't seen a single person all summer, feeling so horrible about myself. Then, I took charge and on Tuesday, I went to the first lecture of the semester, feeling great about myself. Came home... and everything just... Now, I'm planning to skip lectures, counting the days until I absolutely have to meet people again and trying to figure out if I'll feel as bloated again. I wonder which clothes will hide the weight I will have gained.

It's disturbing. I'm not well, and I don't know what to do. I've completely alienated myself from everybody in my life, not because of my body-image but other circumstances, and I have panic attacks at the sheer thought of seei yA583242 ng a therapist - I'm not ready to talk about everything that's happened over the past 20 years.

And even as I'm feeling horrible, nauseous and bloated, all I can think of is "since I've already gone there, I may as well". GAH! I'm not starting tomorrow, I'm starting right now. I have to. I just want to be healthy, not skinny (that's never been a goal, I like fit) or have any attention (that's not something I'm comfortable with) but just to be healthy. Not skipping buying food that I enjoy just because I know that I can't have a little bit of it if it's in the house.

Apparently this is who I am right now, but it's not who I want to be. That ought to count for something, right? It's just food, necessary but not something that should be able to control me. So, here I am, taking another shot. This time slightly more publicly than I'm used to.