I think that when I first started therapy there was indeed a feeling of helplessness.... sometimes there still is. I am sorry for the deep pain that you must feel. Please reach within to share what needs to come out. As some of this comes out you will hopefully feel more direction for where you need to go .. You will also be able to help your T with where you need to go. I know it seems short sighted to tell you are in charge of your sessions while you are in such pain but ultimately you are. I hope that you will find the T that will work WITH you and that you will feel more able to work with. Wishing you good things....