A big void I had pretty much all my life was how "authority/professional" figures failed me. Did not just fail me, but failed people in my life/family too.

When I finally found the therapist I have now, he wanted to talk about my childhood. I did not see how that was important to the present struggle I was having and I really thought that I had made peace with that part of my life too.

However, with the first psychologist I saw after I finally got out of the psych ward, I did try to explain not only the true value of what was destroyed/damaged, but the value it had to me too. I did mention my older brother, but I did not go into detail, I was just trying so hard to give her an outline of "why" all the loss I suffered just broke me in the little time I had with her. I was also "very worried" about being able to afford to see her too.

It was not until I finally saw my records and I saw what she wrote that I felt betrayed/belittled/misunderstood completely. However, considering the condition I was in and how I was being treated badly for it too, what she said just made me feel everything you don't want a person with PTSD to feel. Then when I saw the records for the psych ward and read what the psychiatrist wrote (keep in mind he is from India with a broken accent), I felt even worse and all that did is create more PTSD damage tbh. And "how" it even got to see my records was when a different psychiatrist I had who did diagnose me with PTSD and never discussed what the other professionals said with me, decided my GP should be able to take over prescribing the Klonopin I had been prescribed to help with the debilitating "anxiety and stress and lack of sleep". My GP was furious and basically threw my records at me and said he was not going to be responsible for such a mentally disturbed individual and he called off different things no one had mentioned to me at all from my records. I left my GP completely shaken up and having a major anxiety attack and I did not have any Klonopin to take. I had NO ONE to help me, NO ONE, because my family was of no help at all and had the opinion that IT WAS MY FAULT and basically I AM A BAD PERSON and BEING SELFISH.

The psychiatrist I had seen that diagnosed me would not "help me", my GP would not help me and I began having withdrawls that my psychiatrist had insisted did not happen when a person stopped taking Klonopin after an extended period of time.

I sat with a phone book and went down a long list of psychiatrists and one after the other was not seeing any new patients. I finally found a nurse practioner that could see me, but, not right away and so I had to go to the ER in order to get some Klonopin because I really was experiencing withdrawls and was not sleeping "at all". It ended up costing me over $1,000.00 to get a prescription renewed that at the time cost $11.00.

When I was little I sat in a waiting room and watched my older brother disappear behind the door of "the psychiatrist" who was supposed to "help". And what he told my parents to do only made everything worse and all I saw was how my parents argued about it too.
As things got worse, I remember sitting in that waiting room again, and all that did was continue to make things worse and my mother kept struggling with what my parents were told to do.

For YEARS, I watched one "authority figure" after another choose to deny my brother and I watched how it kept hurting him constantly too. When professionals discuss how "empathy" is formed, I would have to say they surely did not cover how it took place in me. I was my older brothers ONLY friend, and while he could be a good child, he could not control how so much abuse from so many "authority" figures and other children just built up in him to where he would "rage". So, I can say without a doubt how bottling things up can be "harmful" to a human being.

I always had that question when I watched how badly my older brother was treated, especially after I spent time with him and did see he really could be a good/nice little boy. WHY!!!, why was everyone so mean towards him, EVERYONE. Yes, he hurt me and scared me too, but I always knew it was because he just could not "bottle" it up anymore and it just had to come out somehow. Yes, I endured some bad things and always knew I COULD NOT TELL because if I did he would just be HURT MORE.

I have talked a lot about my husband and the challenges "he" has presented me with too. I had to learn a lot about alcoholism and I also had to learn a lot about "learning disabilities" too. I have even talked about how I did "try" to reach out for help too, and I did not get the help I really needed.

Bottled up? Yes, I had to keep a lot of things that challenged and hurt me "bottled up".
And when I did "try" to open up, it never went well for me. And quite honestly the one thing I did learn was how people who are supposed to "know" how to listen and help and diagnose often really fail at it miserably and can do more harm than good. In fact, when I first found PC and joined it, the one thing I just could not bring myself to say is "try to find a therapist to help you". It wasn't until I finally found a therapist that knew how to listen and actually "hear me" that I found the capacity to offer that kind of solution.

I basically "filled" my therapist's room every time I went to see him too. But, I did not think it was important to talk about my childhood, I really thought I had made peace with that part of my life. Also, I felt that for me to try to explain how I worked my way through that challenge and how I did make peace with it would not be something another person would ever understand. Anytime I ever did try, it really did more harm then good, no matter who I tried to share it with. However, when I approached it from a different angle and talked about the "needs of children that go unheard", suddenly I am so "gifted" and should become a therapist myself. I had tried to set down that base with a husband and wife team so I could creep towards the help "I" needed from them. Well, that never happened, instead, as I have mentioned before, the husband who was the psychiatrist told me how much him and his wife learned from me, thank you very much and my wife and I decided she is going to take a leave from her practice and be there for our children. Oh, and by he way, would you like a prescription for "valium"?

When I say that I am "conservative leaning", that really means something very different to me, and it certainly isn't what some politician is saying it means either. The way I see it is if I had allowed myself to follow along with what I consider "dysfunctional" advice, I would have no sense of "self" at all. I grew up with a Christian theme, but I never really was a part of an "organized" theme. For a long time I used to think I was a kind of outsider, but now I am "glad" that I developed my own sense of "faith". I decided that it was "ok" to ask for help and that "help" was not going to be like "Santa Clause" either. I believed that when I did ask for help that I had to learn to pay attention to a lot of different things and that "help and guidance" can take place even when overhearing a conversation taking place between two strangers. I also learned that things would come to me in "pieces" and that I would not get all the answers all at once. Well, I have to say that is really what "saved me" to be honest because at no time in my life did I ever get the "answers" all at once. And when I thought about "forgive them fore they do not know", I decided that was true for me too, because there sure were a lot of times "I myself" did not know. And one of the things I liked that was taught in AA that I learned from my husband is, "check your motives" because "if" your motives are good, then that is what is important, be patient and keep trying. And, I would have to say, that is really what I "try" to do. I will also say though, that with PTSD and my history of "abuse" that I can "react" in defense before I have time to "consciously" descide to react.

I think that a big way I filled my "void" was trying to learn and maintain good motives and try to help and understand others. And that is because the one thing I did know first hand is "being misunderstood". I just never expected to struggle with PTSD.

For the past month plus I have had to deal with something I can't talk about. And I have had more flashbacks/triggers and body memories that have really debilitated me.
It made me realize something I had been utilizing in an effort to "fill a huge void" too.
Again, it doesn't "matter what I think" about it either, and as long ago "I can't ask and I can't tell". And, as was with long ago, but also a constant, "no telling how long" either.

At the same time so many other things have taken place and I don't even have to go any where either, it just comes to me. I think of those very tall pines that I had to climb when it got bad that way, when my older brother could not "bottle it up" anymore and I had to run and hide. I remember how each branch was a rung on a ladder and I just kept climing and would get to the top with pine pitch on my hands and arms hugging that pine as it swayed with the wind. I did not know "how long" then either, often I was so cold and shivering, shivering in fear and shivering because it was cold up there too. So I finally got phenomina and was put in a tub of ice to bring my temperature down, did not know for how long then either. My body sure remembers that too, especially at night when I am trying to sleep.

OE