After thinking about it, I've realized that I am extremely jealous of my older sister. This is a very new and uncomfortable situation for me and I don't know how to get over it. I've just realized this after years of feeling this way. It seems like a very big problem and I'm unsure of how to feel about it. Anyway, my sister is 29 and I'm 17. We live in different states. She has her whole life in order while I'm struggling for air. I don't know what it is, but...she's just so together and I'm a mess. We have completely different personalities. She's outgoing and I'm shy. She's assertive and I'm scared. She's confident and I'm self-loathing. She doesn't care what people think of her and I care too much. She's waaay intelligent and I always feel stupid compared to her. In short, she's everything I wish I could be but can't.

I'm shocked that it's taken me this long to realize my burning jealousy towards her. I guess for a long time I didn't even consider that it might be jealousy. I always thought I just looked up to her, and it used to be like that. When I was little I wanted to be just like my big sis. Now I see those feelings of wanting to be like her have grown into something much bigger and uglier than I ever thought they would. Now it's a painful jealousy that sears my insides and makes me feel forever inadequate. The truth is that my sister is better than me in every possible way. She has so many wonderful things that I won't ever get to experience in my life; straight hair, big breasts, a man who loves her, friends, a social life. I am a loser compared to her. Every time I think of her it's a kick in the teeth. She is the pretty sister, the smart sister, the sister who has it all figured out, and I'm just...me. Which will never add up.