I feel so ashamed. I am currently in therapy and don't exactly know yet what my problems are (just started) but I know how I am feeling is not healthy. I have a guy best friend and we are like attached at the hip. I feel like there is a lot of chemistry between us but nothing has happened. His friends who have known him for a long time tell me he likes me and that I'm his girl he's just scared. I'm a 39 year old grown adult and he trusted me with helping him with his phone. I looked at his emails, noticed he was on okcupid and then tried the password he gave me for the phone on the ok cupid account. It is a terrible violation of trust and I am too scared to just ask him how he feels about me. We are both older and have not had any relationships so I keep telling myself the only reason we are not together is because both of us are too messed up. But it pains me to see him going out with other women and looking for love. I don't want to feel like this, i want to be a healthy happy person and be his friend and love him for who he is as a person and who he is in my life, not this stupid fantasy.