If I had somewhere to be or was modern enough to have some place for a status message, this would be it – “pushing my way through the sea(see)-saw of life – a new emotion every second. Topsy-turvy all around!”

I was feeling seriously suicidal (oooh! the s-word!) yesterday. A lot of guilt, regret and I felt worthless what with depression and its pal social anxiety making me home-bound, not even able to get a job, even friends or some semblance of a social life. Even for medical reasons regarding me or my parents who are heading up toward the elderly side of life it takes a lot of push, push, push, cajole and push just a little bit more to get me out the house let alone for frivolous things like errands and groceries. Yesterday that led to well the you-know-what ideation quite strongly at that yet it was so entirely senseless. I worry sometimes that in one of my frequent bouts of stupidity I might head that way again despite my ever present anchors to the here and now or better phrased as my ‘you here – now and always’ team. The you-know-what followed by crying, crying and more crying leading to a state of apathy and here I am today all hopes and smiles, a million and one jokes, all off the top of my head; the longing to connect and to remain that way.

Its startling and heart-rending all the same if I can call my own actions heart-rending that is. All this see-sawing, rollercoaster-like emotional ups and downs – sometimes I don’t know how I’ll be feeling from one moment to the next; how I’ll be dealing from one moment to the next. An emotion will be there for a minute – an hour – a day and then it all fades away. It comes in bursts and spurts and sometimes it’s all a very big blank. Sometimes I think I’m going mad, only sometimes I know I’m going mad and that’s far worse.