Quote:
Originally Posted by Agentfyre
Jealousy is such a tricky feeling. It really doesn't matter how well-off your sister is. Usually, if you felt better about yourself in general, you'd be happy for your sister rather than resentful or jealous. So the big question isn't "why does your sister have what you'll never have?" it's "what has lead to you feeling that you'll never have what you want?"
Really, it's ok to be jealous of her. It's not your fault. You feel terrible about yourself, and her successes are making your wounds viewable to you. That's actually a good thing because it means you get to see and work to resolve those wounds!
It's not so much about what you feel your sister has, but what do you feel you don't have?
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Well, yeah, I can definitely see how this would be more about my own insecurities. I've never felt good about myself even once in my life. I want to be happy for my sister because she deserves the good things in her life, but I can't bring myself to feel this way without feeling horribly jealous, because the fact is that I have none of the good things she has. And I know I probably never will.
I know for sure that I will never have her looks. She's always been much prettier than me, although she denies it. She has a shapely body, where I'm just plain fat and would be skinny and underdeveloped as a 12 year old if I lost the weight. She has straight hair, which I've always coveted, as mine is curly, unruly, and highly unattractive (I can't straighten it either because then it gets frizzy). She has big, bright eyes, while mine are small and squinty and a flat, diminished-looking dark blue color. She has big full lips while mine are thin and dry out easily. She's also naturally tan because she comes from a different father who was like that. My father is pale, so I'm all washed-out and my skin won't keep a tan no matter how long I'm in the sun. My sister would deny it if I said this to her (she's always been nice) but the truth is that I'm freak show ugly compared to her. The only thing we have in common that might be considered unattractive is that we both wear glasses.
And that's only coming from the looks department. I still haven't mentioned how much more well-rounded she is than me in other ways. For example, she's happily married, which I will never get to experience in my life because I'm too ugly for love. No one will ever love me the way she and her husband love each other. I would be lucky to even keep someone as ugly as me because it's different when you're an ugly girl, plus no one in my generation gives a rat's *** about personality. So, that basically ****s me over for life. And also, she is probably the smartest person in my family besides my mom. She knows how to do practically everything, and if she doesn't know how to do it then she could figure it out pretty fast. It wouldn't take her long. Meanwhile, I'm clumsy and slow and have a hard time even understanding the most simple directions. You know, my lack of good looks wouldn't bother me so much if I could say something like, "Oh, well at least I have my intelligence". But I can't even say that much for myself. Basically, anything I can do, she can do 10x better.
It's just really painful when you can never be enough.