I was sitting on my bed the other night, and the thought of T entered my mind, not that shes ever far from it, but this was different. It wasn't a "She is my mummy fantasy" usual thought it was more a "T is at home doing normal things"

I realised that I've never allowed any thought of T being a person besides my "mummy" before For a moment I felt a pang of missing her. I don't normally miss her between sessions now. Thats only because the breaks are so much worse then the 2 and 3 days between my sessions.

But yes I was missing her, do miss her, and because the days between sessions are bearable, I've camflaoughed missing her.

When we're on a break, I can't hide it, because its just right there, in your face kinda of thing. It felt safe this time to miss her, missing her wasn't a threat, I had this inner faith that she is out there somewhere, that she does "continue" when I'm not there and its safe to collapse that little bit emotionally now because I trust she is going to be there.

Since this thought I've felt a lot lighter inside, haven't had to keep running round in my mind trying to find her, just feel a sort of at peace feeling and looking forward to tomorrow with a deeper level of certainty that she will be there as usual tomorrow and she will be her predictalbe self! which is so important for me.

I'm even begining to see my past in a different light now, I dont feel so angry and confused and hurt by it, I just feel so grateful for what I have today that the past isn't mattering so much now. Does that make sense?