In my head 'I need' is almost immediately linked with, "you're too needy" which means I am unlovable because of my 'needs'. Because my needs are wrong, too much, bad etc.

Right now, I told my son that I need a bit of quiet time, and almost immediately I feel guilty for having a need at he same time as he does....his is that he wants ALL of my attention almost ALL the time. After taking him to the library, playing soccer for ages and hanging out, I feel on the verge of boiling over with irritation, and I just 'need' quiet.

Eventhough I finally got him to understand(we have talked before about either of us needing time out) that Mummy can't play 100% of the time with him. I wish I did have the capability to give him my full attention more, but frankly right now my head is full of this intense pressure I feel fit to burst.....I don't have enough for him.

GUILT! Need = guilt(and therefore shame) for me in so many things that I do! This is going to take so much work!

I just feel so screwed up!

There is a tiny part of me that can see that I am worthy, that I do matter, that I am lovable and that part dearly wants the rest of me to see this........but it feels like there is a 10metre wall of brick reinforced with steel and barbed wire between these two parts. And on the wall movies play of all the hurt and pain I've experienced as a reminder.....DO NOT PASS, this way lies even more hurt and pain, is it really worth it? DO NOT PASS.