Please reach out to a therapist, they can connect you with a pdoc. It's hard to say what's going on with you or why. But there is always hope. When everything get's under my skin and my anxiety goes thru the roof, I am at danger of a panic attack and or hurting myself or others. So I take it very seriously. Therapy and the right meds have helped me. Not cured me, but helped me a lot! I've learned good coping skills and they take time and practice. Please try to talk to some one soon.