Benadryl pretty much knocks me out.
As sucky as your life is right now, I really hope you don't kill yourself. I know money is a huge problem but it seems like someone should be able to help. DFCS, United Way, a church, or a food bank.....even some sort if state funded living arrangement for people with disabilities.
You seem intelligent, funny, and the people here like you. You'd be a good person to help others because it sounds like you've been to hell and back. I think the mental health field needs more people like you mentoring, someone who has been there, instead of someone who read about it in a book.
I think if you hang on long enough, your life will turn around and you'll be so glad you didn't pull the trigger.
__________________
DX:
Bipolar 1
Panic disorder
PTSD
GAD
OCD
Dissociative Disorder
RX: Topamax, Xanax, Propranolol
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