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SecretGarden said:

I suppose I have felt so angry off and on for so long here it amazes me that others do not feel anger. I do not know if that is a blocking mechanism or if others are at peace..

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Oh, I totally get you with this comment. I think you mean others out IRL? I have been angry all of my life as well. I finally let that out with my T last week with that whole interrogation session and email message afterwards.

Here is what I've learned since then. Maybe this will help you too.

Instead of analyzing him, I finally journaled a lot about me and how I feel in the session and out of the session (sadness, anxiety, depression, acceptance, rejection).

Then I put down my perceptions of what I thought brings on these feelings of both good and bad (T being inconsistent, unclear, accepting, rejecting) and what behaviors these feelings this lead to. (internet addiction, calling/faxing/emailing between sessions, taking it out on my husband etc.)

I tried to get to the root cause and I did (unmet emotional needs from my dad and a pattern of finding men that have the same unavailable or unattainable qualities he has. My examples were not about my therapist but rather the people in my life instead.

So far, the obsessing about my therapist and the sessions have quieted. I feel more in control of my emotions. I talked this over with him this week and said "maybe it is better to feel the pain between sessions" and he thought it was because this is what it makes a client do eventually...now I'm not saying that this method is great for you or anyone here.

But, it is helping me now. Now that I've embraced it rather than fight it kicking and screaming (as I did before). My feelings for him are returning to liking him as a therapist and respecting him and the process.

Part of this new healing also includes you Secret and everyone here. Your warm wishes, insights, struggles, victories, challenging questions etc. I'm starting to believe that we can do this together.