Funny you would say that....

I have spent alot of time this week thinking of my first therapist. He rescued me. Today my T said that that pdoc pulled me out as I was drowning. Tis true. My child was drowning. When I get this way ... I regress and my child wants to be pulled out.

My T today said that my note asking him not to abandon me was confusing as we talked of meds and of his seeing me more often. At least we are for now. What he had said is that I will never do something (allow a friend to visit from Canada 1000's of miles away) and I felt like he feels I will never progress... hopeless.

Today he read me a note he wrote my first pdoc (FIFTEEN years ago).... and much of it is still true... or all that he said. I have to admit it. I am a challenge to him. I am a challenge to me....an obstinate cuss.

He says that he keeps separate so that I do not pull him down... in the water. This is necessary I know. He also talks that his life is fine...mine is not.

I have taken my first Lamictal pill....

I do not know what to do with all of this but I am trying to get the child to stay away as she is feeling all of this hopelessness. I need the adult to come out and address all of this and work to make forward movement.

My obfuscation... as he says.... takes over.... I am trying to sort it all out.

I read another post of yours that said...your T told you ... THis is not true. I am not sure how that feels... That would make me feel bad or little but I know in many ways that that is true... It is NOT true.

He says we are not on the same team. On the surface we are but unconsciously we are on opposing sides. He saw in his note to my first pdoc that I would be a challenge to any pdoc.

How do I accept this within myself Perna.... and how do I get to the other side?

He says seeing it is powerful and I know that. I think that is what I have been doing ....seeing it...moreso recently.

What a wasted life....

Did you have to get to the other side and how did you get there? I know our journies are different but I appreciate other's experiences. How can I be more o.k. with this?