Hi Hvert, thanks so much for your input.

Yeah, I also figured that already, that they are being nice with me because I'm paying them. I thought that until I actually met a really nice lady one day, who was more a prostitute because she had a terrible life previously. It was not really out of choice, she needed the money after her husband and family deserted her. She and I clicked very well and we had something nice going for quite a while. She had an on-off boyfriend during that time, and eventually she chose him over me only because he was older than me and she knew him for years before I met her. I met her initially as an escort, but she told me straight that she does not see me as a "client" and told me I don't have to pay anything, that she was actually crazy about me. She helped me a lot actually because the day before I met her I had decided I was going to kill myself within the next week after that. I thought well, seeing that I'm not going to be here anymore, I can go out with a "bang", and then I met her. As soon as I walked into her place I could see she really liked me immediately, and that she thought I was attractive. We developed a really great friendship (with benefits) type of thing because I said I didn't want a girlfriend anymore (at that point I had given up). She said OK, whatever I want she will do. When she told me about her joining up with her old boyfriend again, I said I respected her decision and I held her tightly against me (she loved that, she could hug me for over 2 minutes for just one hug), she cried so much and said she was really going to miss me. I know people pretend and act and stuff, but I could tell, she was for real. Sometimes there's just something in someone's eyes that tells you they are speaking from the heart, and you can also tell they love you or are in love with you. I saw it in her eyes. I asked her many times if she was BS'ing me just to stay in my good books, and she said no. She also said I was very attractive but that I just didn't know it, and that I'm a really cool guy who deserves to have someone special in my life. This was long before we parted ways, and from the first day she was always giving me advice on what I should do to get a girlfriend. But, of course, she didn't know about my social problems (autism) because I didn't either. I've come to realize that is a major stumbling block in my life.

I try some romantic indications, but obviously they don't seem to work. I would smile at a girl first of all and if she smiles back and seems quite keen to meet, then I would go over to her and tell her who I am and ask her a little about herself. It would go back and forth for a minute or two and then we'd part ways for the day. The next day we'd chat a little again and we'll get to know each other better. Then suddenly, the next day, she will just begin to go off about all her problems and talk for so long about this and that and then I just become no more than an ear to bend. By then, the romantic stuff is long forgotten and I'm just a person to dump things on. When I look again, she's dating another guy a few days later, and I'm her go-to buddy for advice and a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah, for sure, I keep myself clean always. I get tested regularly. I also stick with the same ones for a long time, becoming more of a regular with one, than a once-off with many. But, to be honest, I'm almost hoping to catch something, especially something fatal, so that I can just be done with this life.