I had issues with my H before we got married & those issues caused a lack of respect that carried on into the marriage.....I had stated that before I got married that I didn't want to have children & that NOTHING was going to get in the way of getting my degree (I didn't realize it then but the issues before the marriage made that demand all that much more important to me because I didn't trust him to be responsible & his attitude issues created serious problems).

Back in the 70's BC pills were about all that was available & I couldn't take them....they caused some serious problems in my body. Ended up getting pregnant while I was finishing up my degree & his first comment was....."you can just quit college for a couple of years & go back later"....totally invalidated everything I said before we got married & what I was working so hard to accomplish.......first thought was abortion....but I couldn't do that so I figured that this was MY COMPROMISE in the marriage.....I would have the baby, my parents agreed to care for her while I was getting my degree & during my career after I graduated (so that was a wonderful help).....but honestly, his comment & the attitude that came with it....really turned me off of him as I felt that it showed no respect for me or my goals in life.

Ended up having our daughter 10 months before I graduated. Had to have a c-section because I was too small to have a baby naturally & she had turned breech & because I was so small there was no way for her at her large size (8lb 2 oz) to make the necessary turn. For me it was bad enough having to go through having the baby (I had never been in a hospital before) let alone having to have a c-section which my obgyn said would be necessary if I had any more babies & back in those days, this obgyn said that more women who had their tubes tied ended up a few years later having to have a hysterectomy.....I had enough problems dealing with having to have a c-section let alone doing something to my body that would cause me to have another major surgery in the close future......obgyn was the one who said that there is nothing to the man having a vasectomy in comparison to what the woman would end up going through even though the tubes could be tied during the c-section.

Well after all that.....I didn't want him anywhere close to me & I chose not to have the tubes tied because of what the OBGYN had said......so I wouldn't have anything to do with my H unless he was the one to take the responsibility after I went through all of that to have a child that wasn't something at that point in time that I even really wanted. I had figured that I might want a baby in the future in our marriage, so I didn't want to risk that the abortion would leave me unable to have a child if & when I really wanted one.....so that was why I chose the compromise at that time.

So I figured I had done everything at that point to have one child & there was NO way I was ever going to have another one........so that was where that requirement came from....it was his turn to give in the marriage.....

Unfortunately, it didn't change the feelings that he had created inside of me because of the things that happened before the marriage or the things that he said when we ended up pregnant......but he did go ahead & have the vasectomy. It was ok.....but there was never any real closeness between us even from before the marriage......I always thought it was because of my opinion that I held toward him....& he never really did anything to change it on many of the other things that were going on in our life.....I have since after leaving him after 33 years, become aware that it wasn't just me that had a serious problem with feelings for others.....his communication issues & his lack of being able to connect with people in general.....& other serious issues that have come up after I left him has showed me that there was a reason other than myself for the problems in our marriage.

The vasectomy didn't make our relationship any better but at least I felt safe that I would NOT get pregnant ever again. I knew that if I left the marriage it would not be for someone else after the horrible experience with marriage that I had.....& he said that he wasn't interested in ever getting involved in another marriage either......so there was nothing for us to loose by his being the one to have the vasectomy.

Point I'm trying to make is basically that there needs to be some really good marriage counseling because any negative feelings that have built up are not that easy to be removed without a lot of work. We never went to counseling & the only time that we ended up doing it was after abuse became physical at times & that was when we were in the middle of a big fight in the first place. None of the counseling showed up what his real issue was either even though the things that I was having issues with were totally red flags for the symptoms....but by that point (33 years) it wouldn't have made any difference with all the anger that had built up inside of me.....I was seeing red every time I had to deal with him by the time I left.......thankfully understanding that there was a reason for his behavior has help me release my anger along with 2100 miles of distance between us & the fact that he never communicated much after I left in the first place any more than he ever did when we were together in the marriage.

There can be so many more issues that are going on in the marriage....but it's hard to let go of something like the porn & feeling cheated. My H was incapable of ever saying he was sorry for anything....I figured that he wasn't or he would have said something....but have realized now that not saying one is sorry is also part if the issue he was actually dealing with all his life.

Lots of things go into our attitudes that develop toward each other in marriage....sometimes things we don't even realize until many many years later when we have time to really LOOK BACK.

Marriage counseling is definitely the place to start....but really digging & understanding self & really listening & understanding one's partner....think it's the only way that a marriage that has had huge issues can recover. It's possible....for me it wasn't the fact of him having the vasectomy or not that made the difference in the marriage being successful....it was his lack of being able to truly connect in the marriage through communication & honest expression of feelings & emotions & the excuse that men can't do that is not true....but there are things that do cause that to be impossible & it's important if that is the case to find out that the underlying cause is.

Hope that what I wrote makes some level of sense in the general way even though it was based on my own specific personal experiences.