Quote:
Originally Posted by Agentfyre
Wow, thank you for sharing all of that. It must have taken a lot of courage! You see yourself soooo darkly. It's true what they say, that we have no greater critic than ourselves. I'm an older man, so you may not take my words, but the emphasis on looks has nothing to do with your generation. It's largely about your age, unfortunately. High school especially is just a cesspool of bitter shallowness. Teenagers usually don't know how to value emotions or personalities yet because those are such complex things to evaluate. College age is where people really start to value things other than looks, because looks are such a temporary and fleeting thing.
And what's worse, you're comparing yourself to someone who's 29, so of course she more well-developed and intelligent, she's had more than a decade of experience to grow from. 17 isn't the prime of our lives, we're still just developing then. Be patient with yourself and take this time to learn and grow.
On top of all this, I feel it may be important to find a therapist. Self-esteem this low has likely been caused by something that can be resolved. You need support an caring from people around you. You'll get that here from us of course, but you need people in your life you can count on as well. A therapist can help you build that vital support system.
I fear these words mean little when you feel this way, and I can easily understand as I felt so similar when I was your age. And I'm not saying that it's just a phase or just your age. I'm just saying that it's not fair to yourself to compare yourself to someone who is so much father in their life's journey.
Please share more,k and I'll offer whatever support I can. I feel for you.  |
Hi again, and thank you for replying back.
I agree with what you said about us being our own worst critics. I'm probably the very definition of that, because I've been bullied and put-down and harassed for most of my life, and still I would say I'm the one who treats me worse than everyone. It's all I know. My self-esteem has always been very low. I've never felt good about myself even once in my life. I just have no idea how to get to that place, besides the fact that I wouldn't even know what it feels like to love and accept yourself. That kind of thing has always been outside of my reach. The reason I see myself so darkly is because all my life I have been told
repeatedly that I'm fat and ugly and stupid and other bad things; by people my age, hell, even by adults, though mostly by society in general. And it's gotten to the point where I've heard it so much that I can't bring myself to believe otherwise. I just can't see why I should love myself when all the things they say about me (fat, dumb, ugly) are actually
true. Because they are. I
am fat and ugly and stupid, or at least that's what I see when I look in the mirror everyday. And that's what other people see in me.
I know it's unrealistic to compare myself with someone who's 29, but I can't seem to help it. I've always compared myself to my older sister. It's like I said in my other post, even when I was little I wanted to be just like my big sis. The fact that I will never measure up to her is so searingly painful inside that I could made myself sad to the point of crying if I thought about it long enough. I know it's only natural that she would be so much better than me because of her being older, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing that I will always be less than her, that I will never experience the love she has, that I will always be the ugly little sister. As far as my still developing goes, I'm basically done growing. I've been the same size for 3 years now. The body I have is the body I'm stuck with, and it will never be as attractive as hers. Men will never lust after me the way the do her, guys won't even look at me. It's true that most people my age are very shallow and focused on looks, and yeah, most will grow out of that. But I just feel like society as a whole is becoming more and more looks-focused which makes me feel like I don't stand a chance in life.
As far as getting a therapist goes...I really can't do that at the moment.