Hello,
I'm going to try to keep this very short as far as my issues going back 10yrs now.

First off, I've always been a bit anxious and a worrier. I had anorexia in my teens. I was outgoing. But for the last 8yrs or so now I have had huge anxiety about going out to places alone, I've actually had a couple attacks trying to go to eat dinner and or picking up food or going to a bar with friends. I have trouble talking about my emotions, feeling sad, or expressing it all therefore I lie a lot to cover my worries and feelings. Lately, I have had a big relationship problem and I'm not sure what's going to happen there.
I have attempted to OD on pills a few times in the past 10yrs, obviously didn't work and I am not proud of it. I tried to ask my doctor for help finally after about 7yrs of this. I got two prescriptions and took them without any changes. I stopped and I have NO insurance so I am scared and can't afford a lot anymore but I know I need the help and want to change!
I am getting upset at just little things like last night having to leave the bathroom before brushing my hair and taking my contacts out so my bf can go use the restroom. Ridiculous I know and we got into a fight about it. I've been given the ultimatum get help or I'm done thing. He just wants me to be happy and the way I was when we first met of course with some changes and growth that occurs in relationships.
Sometimes I feel he doesn't understand no way to talk to him and his words hurt but I can not get him to see any other point if view. One night we got into a huge fight (both drunk) I recorded the thing lead the conversation a bit trying to get him to just talk express himself to me. I made some stuff up screaming help saying he was beating me. He did 4 things that were truthful - 1. Spit in my face twice. 2. Keys scraped my neck. 3. Hand in my throat. 4. Pushing me back out of the way causing me to fall and bust my head on his guitar and floor with a concussion. Now, I was an instigator I kept getting in his way making him stay trying to hold his hands down keep him there. Of course cops came and I was ticked. I allowed him to be taken downtown even though I kept telling them no not to. They said it was out of their hands. So now my bf tells me he did nothing wrong except spit in my face he is innocent. I don't know I don't feel like he is innocent and I don't feel like I am either. He wants my support in this and try to clear his record which I feel I must. I am afraid our relationship will end though.
I have been in a very abusive relationship when I was 17. Beat the crap out of left on the side of the road. Cops did nothing. Now they decide to respond but to this when this is the only guy who's gone totally out of his way to be kind and have fun and include me in everything.
I have trust problems with my bf. His texting and fb girls all the time. Pictures of girls from online in his phone but not of me. His low sex drive with me. All of this has my self esteem really down. And I don't know how to get him to understand or get help. I've already pushed this depression aside but it's becoming a real illness worse than ever.
I need help but no insurance or money and unsure what to do for myself. I can not turn to family or friends I have no friends because of my anxiety issues. I'm just lost. I don't know what's the best route to take to to get better. If anyone has suggestions or links or help I greatly appreciate and want to kick this in the butt and feel better!!!

Thank you for listening to my "short" rant.

Daycia