I'm new here but not to the issue of mismatched drive.

First: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE T's ADVICE ABOUT THE VIBRATOR

That advice is doomed to fail and likely to be one more issue you will need to resolve over time. To me it simply is a typical male approach that 'she' has a problem to fix (I am a guy btw). Use this visual: you have a parched and thirsty dog that is presented a bowel of water. If you force its head to the water it will fight you away from the water. This metaphor presumes your wife is thirsty for an orgasm which may not be. I think its a lose:lose thing for you.

This sounds like a relationship issue and one that needs to be resolved together. From my experience, unless you both have a desire to fulfill each others needs, are willing to do the work to understand both the needs and barriers you both have, and actively work on them together, then you will have a serious persistent friction point.

Even though you've not said it's a deal breaker directly you have attempted affair. To me that means it is a potential deal breaker and if not resolved has a big chance of causing serious harm if not divorce.

Some thoughts:
1- any medications being taken by either of you should be evaluated
2 - does she have any history of sexual abuse ?
3 - hormone panels might be useful (thyroid, sex hormones, etc) information to rule out medical issues especially if zero drive or hyper drive. (Though your description sounds like a mis-match in the area of physical sex)
4 - you mention that she engages when you initiate. Lucky you - put a check mark in the "things to be grateful for column"
5 - does she enjoy sex and just not orgasm, and her orgasm is important for you and not her .
6 - is sex with your wife an incredibly deep emotional connection or more mechanical ? She may be missing the near spiritual connection of two souls while you are missing the cascade of orgasm.

I don't want the above to sound judgmental. None of it is intended that way.



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