Hello, I was diagnosed with BP II at the end of last year. All my life I felt like I was different; like there was something off about me. As I entered my early 20s, I began to research depression and self-diagnosed myself. At 24 I finally went to seek help and was diagnosed with severe depression. The antidepressants worked on and off, but I never really felt better. When I moved back home to TX, I found a new psychiatrist and began seeing a therapist as well. The two concluded that I had BP II. I was 25 and was put on a whole new regimen of RXs and had to go through about three or so different combos to find one that worked (Zoloft, Lamictal, Trazadone, Clonazepam).

I've struggled with hiding/numbing my emotions and feelings through alcohol. I ended up going 7 months sober last year before I felt I was able to control my drinking. Two weeks ago I realized how untrue that was. I don't know if I've had a true manic episode before, but I think what I experienced that night was one. I was out with my best friend & two of her other friends for drinks and dinner. Everything was fine until I started getting picked on by my friend. We have that kind of relationship where we mess with each other all the time and it's always fun, but that night was (I felt) different. I felt like I was the butt of the joke to make her new friends laugh. She touched on my insecurities and then kept on. Couple that with the fact that I really had nothing in common with the two other ladies and I was in a very uncomfortable spot. I started drinking to drink; no longer was it for the social good time. It was to numb. I would leave the table to go to the bar and order shots. At one point I told the bartender to make me whatever he wanted. Each time I returned to the table, I was more and more ticked off. At some point in the night, I headed to the bathroom and ended up punching the hell out of a door (and I probably have a fractured pinky because of it). I spent more time at the bar and I really didn't feel like I was missed. I don't know exactly how much I drank. All I know is my best friend started to get upset because I wasn't telling anyone where I was. I'm 26, I don't feel like I need to do that. I was extremely intoxicated and extremely irritated with her and the situation and did not want to leave the bar. I kept ordering more drinks when she and her friends would take the one I had away. Eventually I got ticked off when my wallet was taken away and I began to push and get aggressive with my friend when she tried to get me to leave. I even tried to run back inside the bar after they had taken me out. I got physical with my friend. A lot of pushing and yelling while trying to go back inside. I was red hot with rage when I'm typically a quiet and non-confrontational person. I have *never* acted like that before. I feel like that wasn't me inside that body.

So I would imagine that qualifies as a manic episode. Like I said, I don't know if I've had one before but if I have, it was not that severe. I just felt like crap inside. I still do. I feel ugly. Like there's this darkness inside of me that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't know what to do. I'm lucky my best friend was forgiving of me, but at the same time she's a hardass. She's very hard on me and seemingly unwilling to cut me any slack just because I'm feeling bad. Not to say she's completely unsympathetic or uncaring, but I do get more tough love than comforting love it seems. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to say any of this out loud. I just really, really don't like this place in life right now.