I've been on Paxil for 10 years now. 40mg. I've experienced a world of difference from where I was when I started. Now I've begun the process of reducing my dose with the eventual goal of stopping all together.

I'm certain that once I began the meds and was somewhat "stabilized" I was able to start addressing some of my problems.

But I wish I had known when I started the meds that 2 years is the optimal length of time to be on anti-depressants. I wish I had known that the longer you stay on meds the harder is often is to get off them.

I am trying to get ready for the change-over by putting into place alternatives for coping and treating my issues (depression, self-injury, anxiety, panic attacks, etc.) My new family doctor (I havent had one for 8 years since I moved cities) has been working with me since March 2014 to start mentally preparing myself for the eventual elimination of my meds. I am beginning a CBT course later this month. She has suggested that working with CBT has shown to be as effective as being on medications. I am doing some research to find possible therapy options in my city, but the problem is that I am very low-income (ie. can't afford them).

I am really and truly terrified that the day will come where I get off the meds, get through the withdrawal month, and come out the other end as a person who is back to not knowing how to get out of bed, who lies for listless hours in the dark, who cannot communicate when she is upset, hurt, angry or in pain.

And I am most scared that I cannot handle life on my own. I am worried that I'll not be strong enough to live down those demons without the chemical balancing aid. I am scared that I will revert to a shell of a person who can never see the light and experience a Good day.

And I am scared that the suicidal tendencies will come back.