Thank you all for the replies. I've got two therapy sessions next week. My first time and I have anxiety about opening up face to face to someone. I want to know what I'm doing wrong how to stop these urges and have a healthy lifestyle and relationship with someone. I know I need to leave but I need to save up some money buy myself some furniture and move out. If only it could be faster. I wish I knew why I was in these relationships. Everything is always perfect until I drink. So I've stopped cold turkey. Not like I drank a lot before only weekends. Or a glass of red wine after work here and there. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing the "victim card". Like I'm seriously messed up and self sabotage myself and relationships and push and push until the other person snaps. Then I'm all well you did this and this and this. So I've started to admit to things that I did do wrong and apologize. My pushing buttons is just out of control I start up in something else again. I'm not going into his phone anymore, I came out and clean about what I have done with his info of course he's upset with that. But, I want to change and be a better person. I can't do that with him being mad at me over the assault charges brought to him. I think if I can save his relationship with his daughter I will feel a bit better about ending the relationship like an adult.
I just can't understand why having a man who's done everything for me except those few things and this one big fight can't be changed or fixed. I guess it would be different if he was also willing to work on himself but I have to give up trying to change and make him a better person. I just don't want to lie to the court about what DID happen and I don't want him in trouble either. So much to think about it is making my head spin! Lol

Daycia