I just found out, my psychosis distorts and mixing how a person feels about me truly and confuses it with my hopes that they like me subconciously. I realized that, the people who tell me love isn't real are more miserable than me. Maybe I'm optimistic or foolish, I don't care which. I realize love is more of an impossible feat so I say I don't believe it, because what I have to do in order for something to happen. It's like everyone is A to B type relationships it feels like your taking a trip from one destination to the next it has to be this way or no way. I find it silly that people are way more insecure than I am, but in other ways I'm lonely. I am slightly afraid of being that guy with or without life success and being told, your 40/50 years old you should settle down. I don't want to be that guy so I tell myself love isn't real. So I can feel safe in my own skin without expectation, subconsciously I worry what others think and feel about me. I am afraid of being abandoned abuse or treated like dirt, because I'm not what they want and we mutually got into a relationship. I learned from past relationships, that if a woman came up to me to truly want to get to know me and really does like me. What am I talking about that won't happen!? I mean too many women feel that men should it's they are more afraid what others think, I'm different, because I show more of my feminine qualities of me first to weed out people, but all it has is shown a lot of females I'm apparently not a manly man. I don't care, I find the whole concept stupid, and I feel from my paranoia that women are screaming at me telling me, "fine we don't want you either, you *****". This may not be true at all, but it's what I've experienced, people who are nice like me don't finish last if they are convenient it's just how it goes they will be most likely checked out first. I find this whole thing stupid, because I'm not apart of a shopping list. I want to be more of a human, something fun and exciting with a friend that's a female, but that requires so many years getting to know someone who in my experiences always finds someone else in one day and leaves you dry as a friend after meeting this dude for one day.

It's pointless and silly, I have am not mentally right in the head, people who I attract want to hurt me. I've avoided dating for over a year going for two maybe five. I won't have sex anymore, because I get tired of people expecting me to be this or that. I don't want to viewed as negative when I'm trying to say I've lost hope. I don't mind other people are happy together, but keep me out of your bs and we will be fine. I deeply wish I was a woman, because I would take that life in stride, then again I don't know what I want. I may have specified what's going on, but I'm putting my thought vomit in one post. So mind it's jumbled up.

Back to what I was saying, if being a manly man, or looking or feeling strong is so important. I don't want to be apart of anyone's life then. I'm tired being viewed as something I'm not. I'm mad other people have successful relationships at the first ten tries of different people, me I can't have one person notice me.
I don't try to be interesting, I have lots of self confidence, I choose to avoid to show it and I'm not shy. I'm hurt and I prefer someone play games with me, hoping their intentions are good. I don't know if I'm just an idiot, or that I should be content with the pain I'm stuck with that I try to avoid in the room. I shove out my feelings for people, because I don't feel accepted for being me. It's sad in my community and my city. I feel like if I have feelings, just because it's me. I'm not good enough, girls don't like insecure guys, nor guys who tell them the harsh truth on things, because it's not in their perfect image. I hate feeling pressured to change for a girls approval. It makes no sense why other guys do it.

Am I the only one who finds it silly how people today view and go about saying they are in love. In reality, I've seen it, when my grandma died and my family with my grandpa her husband was with her when she was on tubes from alzhiemer's for 6 years. He spent everything that was left and it was worth it. It makes me so mad when people say they are in love, and not once someone has made any type of effort to give me the respect to being that kind and honest with me. More caddy silly games, to tease expect me to give them something then one of us has to be a **** and avoid ignore and leave, cheat etc.
It may come down to it, I'll be just like that, because what else am I supposed to do get myself beaten the crap out of when I have a crush I dread having again.