This is rather long but it's an issue that's caused me a lot of pain ....

When I was about three years old my mum separated from my dad and began a relationship with another man. It so happened that this man, who she went on to marry, didn't like her giving me attention and she has admitted that she 'dropped' me when he came along. I now realise that he had a grudge against my dad throughout my childhood because my dad did not want to pay more than the minimum child support and there wasn't much money to go around. This new man did not accept me and would intimidate me by staring at me and threaten me especially when it came to bedtime, as well as tease me and be verbally abusive. My mum rarely stuck up for me and she's admitted that the times that she did try and stick up for me would make him worse in his treatment of me so she gave up.

On top of this my mum had two more children with him, and she would favour them over me.

There were times when they would include me in things like family meals, but it was clear that there was a pecking order in the family and that I was a burden and caused them problems by being around.

I can remember when my mum brought home my little half-sister when I was aged seven and, as was expected of me, I was alone in my room 'amusing myself'. She did ask me if I wanted to come in and see my sister, but I was struggling with my emotions at what was happening and said no. I can remember then being left alone all day except for meal times, and the awful emotional pain of realising that she wasn't going to check out how I was or come back.

She later told me when I was grown up that I wasn't interested in being involved with my siblings so she had just accepted that. I didn't feel able to vocalise or challenge her explanation of what had happened. I suppose I knew that if I told her that I had been struggling at the time emotionally, she would just say to me that if I had told her that at the time 'everything would have been ok' putting all the responsibility for the situation back on to me.
I still struggle with that - I was seven, right? I should have spoken up and then of course she would have welcomed me and everything would have been different.

Now I am nearly 50 and I live some distance away from her and my stepfather. I moved away from their area when I was about 20 because the atmosphere had been so bad growing up and I met a man who was to be my husband (until we later divorced).

My mum and my stepfather are relatively affluent and spend most of their time with my younger siblings and grandchildren. Meanwhile I've had 20 years of mental illness which began after I had a psychotic break when I had a baby of my own and began seeing my stepfather's face superimposed on his face when he cried.

I feel like I ought to have been over this by now. Instead in trying to heal the relationships with my family, what seems to have happened is that I have come to accept a lot of denial of what happened as my mum perpetuates various stories for why I have had a mental illness and live so far away. I also realise that while my mum has made some efforts to make amends by visiting and paying occasionally for items of clothing or buying lunch out, that as much emotional support she gives me, I more than give back. I can remember her driving me out on a visit from a psychiatric hospital some years ago and feeling physically ill because she talked non-stop about things going on in her life.

This weekend she returned home from a trip abroad with another relative, and we had a brief conversation. She said that it had been lovely of me to support my sister, who had been experiencing mental illness symptoms. My sister is staying with them.

My younger sister has had a mental illness too, although not as severe because she works full-time. She was able to stay at home until her 30s and was also able to save up a considerable sum of money in order to fund a deposit for a home. I recognise that it has not been easy for my sister.

However, in the years that I have been ill there have been numerous times when I have been completely alone and had to manage emergency admissions without any support whatsoever. I feel like I've been conditioned to value their situations more than my own. I can remember my mum telling me I was selfish when I was growing up. I suppose I've wanted to prove to her that I'm not as well as be accepted.

This weekend it just really hurt that I didn't have the support that my sister has. My other sibling also has considerably more support with his family as he was the favourite of my stepfather.

My stepfather has never telephoned me once in all these years.

My mum sent me a text today asking if I was free tomorrow for her to visit. My home is in a tip, because I've been feeling depressed, so I replied saying no, I was sorry that I couldn't make it. She sent me a text saying are you ok? because she knows full well that I have little going on in my life. I could have explained more, but she is very judgemental about having a messy home. So, I said I was ok by text. What I really wanted was for her to care more-- to ring me up and talk to me, the way she would if it was my sister. I know that things aren't perfect in her relationship with my sister, but there's a huge difference in the amount of support that's given.

I feel really hurt even as I'm typing this out. I think that she cares for me - but that I'm down on her list of priorities. She cares much more for her life with her husband and my siblings.

I thought it was the right thing to try and be reconciled to the family, but now I'm wondering if I ought to have just broken away completely.