I do struggle with the hypocrisy with the drugs issue. Basically it's whatever mind altering, cognitive impairing, addictive, organ damaging & emotion numbing drugs, with awful side effects, that a psych prescribes is considered good and the right course of treatment. But anything you take, even if you feel it helps to some degree, is considered bad and means your therapy will be ineffective. But how can that actually be a definite and medical fact? or even logical?

Having said that, turning up to your appointments hung over or worse, actually high, does you no good. And I would want my T to be angry at that tbh. Especially if that helped with abstinence of a substance that was negatively affecting my progression in therapy and I had expressed a desire to stop. He is, after all, being paid to do the best to help you out of the state you are in and not just sit there watching you destroy yourself and pocket the cheques.

Do you think the drugs and alcohol help with getting in touch with yourself or are they just pain relievers? because the latter is not helpful at all when seeking therapy, imo.

If you are paying for it and don't feel ready to delve deeper, then that is your choice ultimately. but you need to explain that to your therapist and request that they don't push you maybe? I think his expression of annoyance was a way of encouraging you to stop or a least dig deeper into why you don't stop, and testament to his respect for the money you are paying and concern for your welfare imo. He sounds alright to me, just on a different stage of your development and understandably pushy. He is not threatening to terminate the therapy though, is he?

All that Ts are is your "mirror, mirror on the wall." They are there to reflect the YOU that you need to be looking at, the events that are relevant and challenge what you wont/can't/don't want to. Once you can finally see these issues and life patterns for yourself, they are then there to help you let go of the issues and change the patterns. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready- simple as.

I do understand. It is a horrible journey, and after all the small brakedowns and reluctance to deal with things, you eventually take the mirror and look for yourself....... from there is like the labour/birth experience (better not to tell people) probably not as bad as you fear, worth it for the feelings you get, but far from over either.

I hope you eventually get to where you need and want to be. I am sure you therapist is just trying to help so maybe talk about the pace you would perfer to take x