You know, I totally see what you are saying, I mean, I really wish it was that simple though. I've tried convincing myself that it wasn't love, that I'm just a monster, that I don't feel love, or that she's just like any other or that it was just a stupid crush or whatever. But, I promise, it really isn't like that.

She wasn't the only woman I figured I had a chance with. In fact, I would say if other girls are "easy" for me, she would be "difficult". She is one of the more sought after girls, not the type you just pick up in bars and clubs and stuff. She was the least viable in that sense, if I'm understanding you correctly. What I'm saying is, I didn't "choose" to pursue her because she was the only one I thought I had a chance with. That is not how I look at it when looking for a girlfriend, how easy she is or how much of a chance I stand with her.

You're very right. But, that is immediately where I differ from other people all together. You see, I've never been afraid of getting old alone, it's not something that bothers me. In fact, I always kind of relished the idea, being myself and independent till the day I die. But, I didn't choose to meet her, and I didn't choose to fall in love with her, it just happened. You must remember, I was the sort of guy that never cared about having a girlfriend or anything, right throughout high school and university. I don't care about this girl because I seek a loved one or something, trust me, if I never met her, I would be just as happy as before. I am a monster, I have very little feeling and very little care in the world for anything, I admit. But, she came into my life, just randomly, by accident and feelings developed, with no effort on my part at all. It was not something I seeked, as I said before I would prefer to be alone, I like it. But, now that I've "tasted" what love COULD be like, I miss it and want it in my life. Can you now see why I only care about her? Remember, I said that I was very abnormal and that I did not seek human companionship like all other people do. This was just a person I really fell in love with for some reason (her qualities).

I am an otherwise feeling-less monster, there's no doubt about it. I don't even have Facebook, Twitter or any real life friends for that matter. I AM a lone ranger that walks in life alone, there's no doubt about it. I've never asked for anything, never wanted anything, and still don't to this day, you can ask my parents if you don't believe me. If they didn't give me stuff out of their own when I was a child, I would have never have had anything. I don't care for ANYTHING, unlike other people. But, you ask then why do I care so much for this girl and want her? I really don't know, it's guess it's because even monsters need love eventually or something or like to be shown a little attention now and then, IDK. She just impacted me deeply, and was able to break all the walls around my heart of stone cold ice, and then when she got in there, she was able to melt that too with her incredible warmth.

I've asked myself that a million times - do I REALLY love her? Sometimes I even say NO! I HATE her! Just to see if I can't jolt myself into thinking another way. None of it lasts long, when I look again, this big monster is sitting crying over her and crying over missing her, in a pathetic little heap. How the hell can a little 5 foot something dainty little blonde girl with a soft sweet little voice bring such a big fearsome beast to tears? It's truly incredible.

So, to answer, misguided feelings? If only, that would be so much easier to deal with. I wish it was just a holiday romance or sexual thing I have for her. No, it's deep, really deep feelings I feel for her. Why? How? IDK. I can't have another girlfriend or whatever because I feel nothing for other girls, I don't care for any of them, she's the only one I care about, because she's different somehow. I don't know why or how, but she is.