Hey Fifth Sonata, I'm also new to this site. I've struggled with my eating disorder for 14 years and have been in recovery only once. I too feel the same way you do and ask that same question about "How do you let go?" I want to let go, yet it is so hard to do it or even imagine my life without it. I struggle everyday just as I know you do! I wish that I could tell you something positive that helped me answer that question, but I still have not found the answer. Just know that you are not alone and hang in there!