This is me, there is no underlying beautiful me to try and find, I wish there was, but there isn't.

You don't understand. I am happy with myself when I am my true self (totally abnormal by the way with nothing in common with society or other people). But, to function in the world (role, job, getting a girlfriend, etc.) I have to become a false version of myself to be compatible with what is expected of me in society, and it is he with whom I am very uncomfortable and hate very much.

Everyone says, that to be happy with someone else, I first have to be happy with myself. But that's not true. If I'm happy with myself, it means I am my true self, who is totally incompatible with anyone else, and nobody is then happy with me because I make no sense to them. Can you see what I'm trying to say? How it actually works is, to be happy with someone else, you first have to be someone who they think you are comfortable being. For me, that means I'll always have to create a false self and I'll have to be happy with him for someone else's sake.

Maybe I wasn't clear before, I don't hate my true self, I hate my false self. But, at the moment, I am 100% having to be false-self because that's what is required. That's why I want to die.

I'm really struggling to try and explain myself here. I want to try and explain:

"You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else"
Also, you have to love yourself first..., and many other variations of the same saying.

My problem is coming in with the WAY normal (not me, I'm abnormal) people are DEFINING happiness, and then projecting it onto me still as well!

This is me when I'm happy - Sitting in a room, locked in for hours fiddling with something really obscure, but that I love, it is my passion and obsession. In there, there are no other people, just me and my obsession, in a zone of total control. I do this for 8 hours or more. I go outside, sit in nature and take in the fresh air. I think and become really creative during this time. I come up with stuff nobody else ever has. If I have more time (e.g. holiday) I go down the beach and spend the day in the sun, loving the sea and nature's beauty.

Now other people come along, and then they say "What, he's been in there 8 hours already?" "He is outside? It's becoming night already, is he mad?" "What's he doing the whole day on the beach?". Then guess what they do next? They say, "Ooh, that stuff is so abnormal, he has no friends, you never see him with anyone, he has no income, he never does anything cool, he just obsesses over, well, ****!". Next thing they say is, "Ooh, he never really smiles, he doesn't talk much, he's always off on his own mission." And, then they conclude - "Well he must be a deeply unhappy person by the looks of things." Yeah, exactly, you fools! By the LOOKS of things for GOODNESS SAKE!!!! Just because it looks that way, doesn't mean you can now just go and conclude all sorts of false **** about me!!!! I'm NOT unhappy! I don't show emotion because it's my INTJ personality, and my F***** UP Asperger's/autism condition I was born with. It doesn't mean I'm sub-human or something.

Can you imagine, 25 years of this ****, day in and day out? I'm right at the edge already, I'm at the END!!!. I can't take it anymore, the judgements and the assumptions (people will say I'm gay just because I never had a girlfriend - can you now see why I want one too, just to stop everyone's constant onslaught on me, the more normal I look, the more they leave me in peace, but I also do want one because despite everyone's assumption, I'm not a monster capable of not loving someone.).

And, what you say is not true. I'm not angry, just hurt. And, why should I even bother with people who have only ever seen fit to treat me like a piece of crap? I'll tell you why. Because I'm not a monster, I feel love, hurt, pain, happiness - why do people think I can't. I WANT to interact with people, I WANT to LOVE them! But, they don't want me to!!! They also TREAT me like I can't feel any feelings, they constantly hurt me, tell me degrading stuff. I'm just holding out for that one person that maybe sees my potential one day, but time is running out. It's not because I haven't met that person yet, it's because they haven't seen it yet.

And, I'm sorry, but you contradict yourself. You say not being healthy is unattractive, but yet you say fat people are in relationships. How do you know someone is unhealthy if not by them being fat? I'm not a smoker, nobody sees me drinking, so the only way they can know I'm unhealthy is by seeing I'm fat. And positive, that pertains to what I said above, it's all about portrayal. I'm a very positive person. Hell, I fail all the time at stuff and just laugh about it. All this stuff we do on this Godforsaken planet is so insignificant in His eyes, NOTHING you do is important. I know you are saying, no it isn't true, well, it is. NOTHING you do is important in His eyes, your works are so insignificant, He can wipe it out in a flash. That's why I'm not afraid of failure, or death even, it's nothing. But PORTRAYAL, we take everything SOOOOO seriously for goodness sakes. If I just walk down the road without a smile on my face, people say I'm negative!!! I'm not a person that naturally smiles a lot, is there something wrong with that? It's just me. If I am slightly overweight, people say I'm unhappy and negative and this and that. For **** SAKES!!! I'm just struggling with something at the moment, no biggie. In fact, I can do with a little help, instead of your judgement - that's what I wish to say to the people in the world that just spend the whole day judging me.

And, finally, PROJECTION. If you say someone is negative, and tell other people he is negative and everyone begins to say about that person "Ooh, he doesn't look like a very nice guy" guess what's going to happen...He is going to be like that! Why, because the way everyone has judged him already, they don't even realize they are avoiding him. The poor guy feels so isolated already, he get's depressed and negative. And, to top it all, he get's driven into such a lonely existence, that when someone does interact with him, and he comes off all depressed, then they say "Ooh, you see!!! you see!!! I told you, look at what a vile monster he is!!! I was right, I was right!!! I told you!!!" For F*** SAKES!!! What a pathetic bunch of people in this world! Why do people think there are gangster areas in big cities, and slums, and all the people there are criminals and drug dealers, because WE who live in the suburbs have said they are!!! We degrade these places with our words, cause investment and redevelopment to consequently leave the area and then these people are left with more nothing, so they turn to crime to survive! And, then WE dare call them criminals!

People have been projecting onto me all this time, and then they wonder why I don't like them, or find it hard to interact with them. How do you interact with someone who has already written you off and said you are a bad person?

You are summing me up wrong totally. I don't loath the people I wish to interact with, I loath the **** they believe about me. I don't need to find myself, it's them who need to find themselves.

Sorry for the rant, all, but I guess this is not the place to discuss any of this since I now am far away from my original topic.

Red Panda, thanks for your post, please know none of this is directed at you of course, I just used your post also a segway to rant a little. I really do appreciate your input .