***TRIGGER WARNING*** - Deep reflection and talking about suicidal ideation/self harm... no specifics to the latter, but a warning just in case.

Frustrated as hell at the moment... I guess I've withdrawn a bit in the past few weeks with regards to talking about depression... or whatever the hell is going on with me... I've been functioning pretty well elsewhere on the board and posting in general social topics and the like... but I'm still fighting suicidal ideation hard. For obvious reasons (and in accordance to forum rules) I'm not going to mention method or other details... but I keep slipping into a sort of daze like state with the intrusive thought barraging me like pans being clashed together in a small room.

It is horrible... the area of my body that would take the damage tingle along with it and it just makes me want to scream. This is when I will sometimes deliberately self harm in a controlled spot as a deflection... a pained distraction to try and snap myself out of it. I know I should use other methods... breathing techniques for example... but in that state unless someone is there to tell me to do it (and I know that sounds pathetic), it doesn't even register that I should.

Called the Crisis team (short term measure in the UK) for the first time while in the early hours of yesterday (numb state)... and it was a massive step for me to take. When numb and getting barraged, I find it very very hard to talk... in fact talking can lead to panic (which happened when I called) and then I get the urge to uncontrolled self harm which can be excessive... a bit of a catch 22 position.

As talking leads to anxiety, the suicidal ideation diminishes (my rational slowly eases back and I can think about consequences - my wife, responsibilities etc)... but by then I'm in the middle of talking about it and then I feel like I'm attention seeking and that leads to self loathing which in turn can put me back in the trance like state I mentioned above (after the anxiety attack has eased off).... it's a fricken nightmare

On a side note and in relation to the above, while in hospital (was discharged just over 2 weeks back now I think) my named nurse picked up on me projecting judgements onto the people I talk to: that the self judgements I beat myself up with... I become convinced that those I talk to (while in the lovely midst of anxiety) are judging me in the same way... so it's no wonder that I'm reluctant to speak as I'm hyper sensitive to what ever is said back, unless it falls into 'what I allow' as genuine and logical to me.

Thankfully last night, the guy I talked to was really good and he stayed on the phone with me for half an hour while I tried to put into words (with long silences and stuttering) what I was experiencing... he put in little questions and asked if I'd taken my diazepam (I seldom take this as it's an as and when medication.... and as with the techniques above, it doesn't always register that I should)... told him no and he said he'd wait on the phone while I went to do so. Got me to do some of the breathing techniques and reassured me that I'd done the right thing by calling... that he understood the catch 22 position I mentioned above but it was so important to talk rather than suffer in silence.

Got me talking on some topics that were closer to home (like my dog, wife, hobbies etc) and it began to distract me to the point where we were actually talking normally... I'd snapped out of it. Was so grateful... thanked him and was able to slowly relax before I got myself geared up to go to bed.

But yeah... I am frustrated... this is a frequent problem I'm having and it's really draining my ability to fight. Seeing my T tomorrow so I might use a chunk of this to show her... I really WANT to get better... but there seems to be this side of me that is forever yelling 'GIVE UP'.... the metaphor of a rock being battered by ocean waves springs to mind

Not sure what anyone can really say to this... been wanting to just burst this out into written form... to detach it from me for a while... but the above is what I'm having to deal with and I just don't know how to whittle it down into manageable chunks that I can break down and overcome.