So when I look back, my life has just caused me pain. Nothing more. Now as I look toward the future, I don't really see enjoyment. I just see more pain.

My whole life I have been the weird kid, the "gay kid", the quiet kid, etc. I've always struggled to make friends. But I would also look toward the future, knowing it will be better and worth it. But now, that's become a "gray zone". Now I can't really look toward the future. In the future, I see myself in the same situation, but probably worse because I'll have to take care of myself, financially speaking.

I was thinking on the car ride home today, that if I were to end it. I wouldn't have to worry any longer. I wouldn't worry whether or not I will/will not have friends, or what people will think of me, or if I will/won't have a family. The worrying and pain can stop. This isn't a suicide post. I never see myself actually committing suicide, but rather a self destructive path where I will at the very least get some pleasure from (ie. drugs). When I was younger, I always wished I could've hit Lifes Reset button. Now, I just wish I could've hit Lifes Undo button. I wish I was never even born.

There are so many times where this pain, manifesting itself as actual, physical uncomfortable pain. It's as if it starts in the chest region, and it spreads. It's like a heart beat of actual pain, to where every few moments it bursts out this pain. Let me correct that, it's not pain, but it's most definitely a physical feeling of uncomfortableness. It's a heartbeat of that. It pulses through my body every 10 seconds or so, and I feel it from my head to my feet. Does anyone else get this? I hope you know what I'm talking about.

Earlier today I was thinking of cutting myself. But I tried my best to avoid doing that. I haven't cut myself yet at least.