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Old Sep 07, 2014, 10:27 PM
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JustShakey JustShakey is offline
WON'T!!!
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche View Post
So... after posting in the thread about old Ts, and about worst Ts, I started thinking back on my old Ts. And looking through some of my writing from then. Which reminded me of how truly awful that time period was for me.

In particular, one T who I saw really just... I don't know if I can write it off as "we didn't click", it just seemed that everything I did or said was *wrong*. Then when I didn't say anything, that was wrong too. (Gosh, no wonder I didn't feel safe!) At some point, he told me that I was beating him over the head with academic points (nope, never on purpose - I was trying to explain my thinking!). This was the T that when I brought up dissociation, he referred to it as... "the d-word". Then, when I told him that I really related to some of the borderline stuff I had read, he said... "Why didn't you tell me that!!??" (ha! Take a guess, Mr T!)

Phew. Anyway, it still stirs up emotions for me. Some of it is sadness for me back then... I was a mess, I had been badly triggered by a friend who was trying to "help", I was si-ing, I was falling apart... and none of the Ts I saw were able to help at all or understand any of it. Part of it is anger that I found things I wrote *trying* so hard to explain to this guy what was going on, then him getting upset at what I wrote (!) and me having to apologize and make him feel ok It was just a mess, and I wish I could have seen that then.

So I'm curious... has anyone else to talk through previous, bad Ts with their new T? Is this something that's generally acceptable? I don't know why (ok, it's probably b/c of the bad Ts! ) it feels like it might not be appropriate to talk through with a T - like it might somehow offend them, like I might sound like I'm badmouthing their profession?

I want to put it on my list of things to talk about. I don't think I'll actually get to it this week (b/c my list is growing very quickly!) but... I'm curious about others' experience. If you did... was it helpful?
Guilloche, what happened with your ex-T sounds a lot like what happened to me with my previous T. Just like you I felt like everything I said or did was wrong, and every time I tried to explain myself I just made it worse. It's what happens when transference is met with countertransference instead of understanding.
It is definitely something that you need to process with your T, but it's *hard*. The transference happened in the first place for a reason - the people in your life didn't understand you and didn't want to try to understand you, and then that preexisting belief is reinforced by a T who can't control their countertransference. It makes it -so- -freaking- -hard- to believe that another T would listen to you after that.
But, if you can use the experience - analyze both your reactions and the T's, it gives valuable insight on your patterns. You just have to be brave enough to believe that your T has your back.
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'...
At poor peace I sing
To you strangers (though song
Is a burning and crested act,
The fire of birds in
The world's turning wood,
For my sawn, splay sounds,)
...'
Dylan Thomas, Author's Prologue
Thanks for this!
guilloche