Jane...

Perhaps writing in a journal would help get some of those swirling thoughts out of your head...

Have you learned any skills like distraction and self care to help yourself during these bad times? I think you need to talk about the list tomorrow with your T...you need to tell him all your fears about giving him the list...

Do you have any support for yourself in regards to sobriety like AA or a group? If not, you may need to find something...someone... It's helpful to have someone to call...when the temptation is high and our Ts can't be available 24/7 like a sponsor can be...