I was doing really well. No depression, but a great deal of anxiety around 'resting' and the restrictions. I am so tired of being told to rest. I have been resting for 4 fricking years. I want to have life. Being told to rest is like a curse now.

But the not being able to exercise when I otherwise feel okay just sucks. Exercise is a big part of managing symptoms of depression for me and I keep getting hit with things that physically keep my from exercising.

Little stuff, like not being able to breathe. Not being able to stay awake long enough to do anything. Being exhausted when I have done nothing to exhaust me.

It's that it keeps happening, that I keep getting past one thing, only to hit another......like you're climbing out of a well, it takes a long time and your arms can't take anymore, and someone drops the bucket on you, knocking you down to the bottom again. Every time.

HOnestly, I am beyond thinking things will get better. Because everytime I even think that, I get hit with the damn bucket again. For three years, I got to the new year and thought, okay, past all that, next year will be better. Then Dad had a recurrence on Jan 11 2012. Then I wound up in IOP on Jan 15 2013. I had a bad asthma attack on Feb 8 2014 and out for two weeks. AGain in April, June. Concussion in August. At this point, having hope seems to itself be the thing that triggers another event. This last time I did not take leave because I am tired of the paperwork. The paperwork is the insult to injury.