Hello,
I'm new here. I reached out because I'm stuck in a terrible position. I'm a thousand of kilometers away from my home, studying abroad and I'm living with my now ex-boyfriend. I have a confusing past; I was 14 years old when I was secretly meeting a boy much older than me and he was abusive; he was physically and mentally hurting me and he raped me. I couldn't tell anyone at my home, in my country, it would mean a lot of trouble for me, unexplainable trouble. I went abroad and started getting therapy, four years after it happened and I was happy.
I was with my current boyfriend for two years, we are both students. In the beginning, we had some trouble in our relationship because he was too jealous if I talked to other men. Many times, he accused me of flirting and I really tried to change myself. I stopped having male friends. I remember I used to get angry with him so he told me I should learn to manage my anger. I was already seeing a therapist and I talked to her about it, but she told me I don't really have anger problems; it's because my boyfriend and I aren't compatible. He is a really great guy, he is sweet and caring and we have had some really good times. But quite suddenly, his mood would change, he would become angry if I made something to eat for myself and forgot to ask him, or if I said something silly, which he didn't like; I tried to confront him about his moods but he said it happens because I talk too much and he doesn't get a chance to say anything; he feels like I'm pushing his buttons. So a few times, while we have been arguing, he would push me and hold me down, either against the wall or on the bed until I would ask him to stop. I ignored it in the beginning because apart from these times, he was not aggressive.
Then, just two days ago, we were having an argument and he rushed at me, pushing me so my head banged against the wall and he called me an abusive, derogatory word. I broke up with him immediately, and now he has tried to talk to me but he told me that I'm the one abusing him, which is why he did what he did. He said he is being emotionally abused by him. I am, by this time, terribly confused and my therapist is away for two weeks, and I don't know what to do. We live in shared housing, so I have to constantly see him but I'm looking for jobs so I have enough money to move out. How can I know if I'm abusive, in which case, have I turned a nice, gentle guy into this man, full of hatred because of my own past? Is it a vicious cycle?
I'm sorry for the long post. Please, if anyone can help, I would really like to have some answers.