Why is it so hard for me to do something for me? I don't mean physical things, like go get a coffee or a new scarf or even find a few hours to spend on my hobbies. I mean like this... I think this is maybe the third or fourth thread I've started since I joined in May. It's not that I don't want to, I do, I just can't seem to work up the initiative and put the words together and then I just feel like I'm whining and people are rolling their eyes at me. That's not quite it either...

It's funny, how I see other people on here who are so similar to me, with similar histories and experiences, but instead of feeling belonging and understanding I feel like 'how dare you intrude on other people's stuff, you selfish little girl'. I often feel like an interloper on other people's threads and then I feel like I'm selfish and attention-seeking if I start my own.

It's not true. I *know* it's not true, but the belief is very ingrained in me. I feel like I can't have these things if they already belong to someone else.

I do know where it comes from - I had to put my mom's needs before my own from, well, from the time I was a baby really, judging by the stories I've been told. And in a childish way, I suppose I never learned that feelings belong to everyone. Or something. It's hard for me to explain, other than to say I feel like I can't have an experience without taking it from someone. I suppose something very fundamental is missing or misformed in me...

I don't know how I'm going to go about fixing this, when it's so hard to even try and explain.