I've been doing the group therapy about 3 weeks now. Had some ups and downs. It's been nice getting my meds on track and seeing I'm not alone in all this. Yesterday all of a sudden I started getting really intrusive thoughts that it would be really fun to cut myself, feel the pain, watch it bleed. So much fun! So I started scratching, trying to kill the urge, or at least take the edge off. I took my prescribed doses of my PRN anxiety and mania meds, hoping that would help, they didn't. The urge just slowly drowned out the part of my brain that was screaming how bad an idea this was. Just to injure, not kill. Just injure and bleed and hurt a bit, the adrenaline rush. It wasn't until I found myself in the bathroom hoping to find a straight razor or something that would do a better job with my nails that I realized I needed help.

I went to the ER, and they gave me another dose of the Zyprexa on top of what I'd already taken. Thankfully that helped immensely. They almost kept me overnight. I think if it weren't for the fact that I was going straight to bed when I got home and to group the next day they likely would have.

I haven't had the urge to cut in 15 years. I'm not depressed, though I have been hypo for weeks and mixed the last week or so. The only trigger I can think of is we upped my Topomax last week. My T, who I saw today, seems to think it's a symptom of my hypo, cause my spending has gone up again too. Who knows who's right? I see my pdoc Wednesday, so we'll see what her opinion is. I just know the urge is gone now and I'm left with the regret and kicking my self saying why the hell did I do something so stupid? And caring for the cuts so they don't get infected. Fingernails can inflict a ton of damage!