I have had what some would call a drinking problem for quite some time now, it started when I was about 17 and now at 23, I am beginning to feel helpless. I drink once or twice a week, always on weekends. When I drink I black out, this happens more often than not. When I drink I also get into other substances. When I'm sober I have no desire for these substances, but the second I start drinking I feel the itch and eventually make the call - regardless of costs, ect. I don't even know why I do drink anymore, the morning after I feel so much regret from the embarrassing things I may or may not have done (I usually can't remember) to the point where i literally want to disappear from the earth. I also recall an overwhelming feeling of being 'alone' when I drink, regardless of the company around me.

I have suicidal thoughts sometimes, when I'm in these dark places after a night of blacking out. But I don't think I would ever act on them, because it would devastate my family.

I feel depressed and unmotivated in my life. I have no desire to DO anything, nothing really interests me - in terms of actual careers. And I feel an unbelievable amount of social paranoia and anxiety, like everyone knows what a scum bag I am.

For example, this past Saturday all morning I mentally told myself to not get too drunk tonight. I started drinking around 4pm and finished about 20 beers by 11pm, somewhere in this time I called for substances and picked them up. I have no idea how I payed or if I payed. The rest of the night is a blur, with no recollection of things I did or said. I woke up Sunday morning wearing a different shirt, on backwards in a bed that I don't remember getting into. And for two-four days after this night I will feel guilty and embarrassed and want to disappear - think to myself that I need to make changes and that starting now I will improve. But like the vicious cycle it is, by this coming Friday I'll have mainly forgotten about the past weekend and I will do it all again.

I fear that quitting drinking will leave me with no social aspect to life. As my frequent friend group drinks often and I have alienated myself from other people I used to hang with.

All this negative feelings doesn't help my outlook on life. I find life scripted and boring, with no real point to it. Nothing here is permanent. The thought of this, and of death doesn't scare me - I just find myself wondering why prolong my pain? In hopes that I will find earthly peace? That I will find some calling and live a happy life? Go through this struggle just to die anyways at the end? Seems pointless.

I know I have a lot of subjects in here. I'm sorry for that. I just felt addictions was the best place to put it because I believe it is worsening my mental conditions. Hell, maybe it's even causing them.