T today . im not sure how it will go .I am freaked but don't want to say anything to her .I just want to be normal . I should be after seeing her for 4 years. for some reason going to see the mother this time seems to be way worse then ever .I have this horrible feeling of impending doom. like I am going to do something drastic or something. I cant tell her this as I know I brought this all on myself and her response will be don't go . this is not something I am able to do yet .I know I should and im an adult and all but I feel like a 5 year old who wants the mothers approval at all costs .even if it means sacrificing myself

my stomach keeps on getting upset when I think about it .I go from that to being completely detached from it and saying I just need to somehow get through this deal with the uncomfortableness . just shut down and deal then the feeling of doom and desperation . im going crazy . and after today I wont see her for 3 weeks .I thought about asking if I could see her the wednsday after I get back but I would never Ever want to come off that needy and risk her saying no. and if she said yes and I couldn't talk it would be even more horrible .