The reason for my depression is from my past and also sad thoughts.
My past because I am nice and people have been taking advantage of that and I guess I am not assertive enough. That makes me very sad.
Another thing is I think of new sad thoughts, truths about the world, and that makes me so depressed. I think of a devastating truth about my life and I become DEEPLY saddened by it. I know "think positive" but you can't do that 24/7 in your life.
It feels better to face reality than to sugar coat it with Be happy!! Even when you're not! Just be it!

I don't know what to do about it.
I also have low self esteem and I do not know how to have more confidence in myself. I've struggled with that for years (6 years). I just want to be like everybody else in my college. The ones who are just confident in themselves and don't worry or fret about unnecessary things. I wish I was born like that or could easily do that.
My therapist also said I'm hard on myself and it's a habit that I've had for years so it is hard to not punish myself or put pressure on myself. It's hard to see the good in me. I don't think I'm intelligent. I really don't. Others don't see it. Sometimes I think I'm dumb and naive. That may be the reason why I have anxiety. Because I'm being stupid about things. Or sometimes I think I'm just too smart, smarter than most people which is why I feel like I'm different than most people.
I don't know, I feel very lost. I do not know what career I want to have (freshman in college). I really do NOT know at all.
I just want to be happy.
I've never had a relationship I'm 18. I like boys but they give me so much stress. When I like someone, I become kind of obsessed. I stall their social media and I can't get over them. There's like 4 guys rn. I don't know if I'm in love (prob not) or if I just need to meet the right guy. It's hard to patient to meet the right one. I'm picky and they need to be a certain way in order for it to be good. They need to understand me. That's key. Um and well groomed and dressed. And beneficial and a good influence in my life. Why is that so hard??
I get nervous around guys. I've always had a problem with it. I even have to pretend the guy I think Is cute Is gay in order for me to even talk to them or approach them. Idk why I'm so scared. Does anyone have en explanation?

I fear that I will be alone forever. I fear that I will not be happy in life. I fear that I will end up in a mental hospital. I fear that if I do get married, we will get a divorce because it isn't working out. Please help.