You have to work with both the child and the adult. They're both there in "equal" measure but the adult is an adult so "naturally" able to help with the child somewhat, just by virtue of living to be X years old and being an adult. We have a lot of built-in attributes and experiences that go into making us an adult that we don't even think about and poo-poo, kind of like when someone compliments us, how we look or what we're wearing and we say, "Oh, it's nothing!" We don't even hear the compliment. There are a zillion things about us as adults that we don't notice or realize we have/use daily.

I was trying to get across to my T how much "trouble" I could get into in my head no matter what I was doing or where I was. She had difficulty understanding that and said something about the kitchen, how she didn't think I could get into trouble there. Well, a week or so later I decided to make "Bisquick Biscuit Baskets" :-) and it turned out working with the dough was very sticky and gooey and I don't like sticky and gooey and had the sudden wish for "my mommy" to get it off and clean it up, etc. :-) Well, the next thought was that my stepmother was right that moment having an MRI/CT scan for neurological reasons and I was a bit worried about that (but had conveniently forgotten it was taking place until that moment) so I had to "reject" that mother as unavailable so went to my "real" mother who died when I was 3 of a brain tumor. Well, naturally the next thought I had was that if MRI's/CT scanners had existed when she was sick, she might not have died, etc. but I was stuck with "uh oh, mommy is dead" and I still had the darn Bisquick all over my hands and flour all over, etc. and I started to cry because now what am I supposed to do? My thinking flashed to my T (not there, of course :-) and I happened to remember her saying the "nothing bad can happen to you in the kitchen?!" and that "other" conversation between two adults saved me as I was able to laugh a little bit since obviously I could get in trouble in the kitchen but it was an unlikely trouble, no way my T or I could have predicted this particular trouble. But the adult me was able to be "reminded" of her existance (I was only 52 :-) and get practical and clean some of the mess up and comfort the child that it was okay, she was "learning" and things don't always go well the first time (a big issue with me and my stepmother; she could do just about anything well and I had no experience so the "comparison" when I was asked to do something or tried to do something was very disappointing, frustrating and painful; she and I never allowed me to be a "beginner"). But I cheered up even further when I realized I'd just lived through a good "conversation piece" for the next therapy session.

It's often like that carnival ride, "The Whip"? There's going to be too fast swings through feelings and fear and too much going on but it's not all that. Like with movies, there's quieter times and humor and new sections coming in, things happening all the time in a story, a complete circle/ride, whether we see it or not. Look for some of the other pieces you aren't seeing; they're there.

One thing that helped me with my T at the first, before I could "connect" with her was picturing her sitting beside me instead of across from me. Imagining her sitting next to me, like a friend listening to what I had to say made it easier to say some things to her. Normally I'd picture her across from me like a teacher, but even as a "mentor" figure it allowed too much separation in my head. So, when I "wanted" to tell her something but was afraid, I'd picture her beside me and I'd be better able to talk to her for a moment. Usually her responses during that time were rewarding such that I'd be more willing to take the chance again to talk to her in that way. Over the years her consistency and care "worked" so I was able to trust her (and she, me).

I occasionally had trouble in the beginning with anger at my T because it felt like a me-over-here/she-over-there proposition. I hated having to deal with the loneliness and struggle to get "back" to where she was, back into communication. But over the years it gradually came to where I understood that it, the expression of anger, was all part of the same conversation, there was no "break;" my T wanted to understand with the same intensity what I was feeling and saying when I was angry with her as when we were "friends." She took my anger seriously and worked with it as hard as I did. The same began to be true when she would be angry or frustrated with me; I quit taking it as a failure or quite so personally and went beyond that to what she was trying to say to me or ways I could respond better, what I could learn from the experience so next time I could respond in a way that didn't bring out anger or frustration in the person.

When my stepmother was in the last 4-5 years of her life she got really senile and she'd call me up on the phone and we'd start talking and she'd comment on something and I'd give the "wrong" answer and she'd get angry and we'd get into a fight. She'd hang up but in a few minutes she'd call back, having forgotten we'd talked! She'd bring up the same issue and I literally got a "do-over" so I could practice tact or alternate ways of discussing the problem, see if I could solve whatever the difficulty between us was. It was a life changing experience and even went "backwards" in showing me that not all the problems she and I had when I was growing up were either real problems or my fault or even "mattered" now. It was very freeing.