TRIGGERING.....please don't laugh, please......this is raw and though I float, it is from my heart......a real fear......I am trying to stay connected, even if it is a dream, I am trying to hold on with all I have.....I keep trying to stay connected..................................................................trying to stay just in front of the flaming fire ball raging behind me................

I am afraid to post here and don't normally as my fear and uncertainty pulls me into a silent place, even in my real life, I feel myself now pulled once again into silence. Letting others in is getting harder and harder to do. Seems I can say something but that is as far it I can get before feeling this pull within and terror from others of anyone getting too close. So I feel I am both risking and pushing each word to this screen.

I don't know if anyone will understand or even care, but I am so afraid to get old. How does one grow up when one never felt like a child except through terror and fear? I feel like I am going to be engulfed in this fire ball that is gaining speed behind me. That I am going to die engulfed in this fireball of life that I cannot get to or maybe won't go to. It terrifies me that I will never be able to get to the little girl that is so hurt and lost, that I don't know and am afraid to know where she is, if she even is and did not die a long time ago.

But still the fire ball has a lot of little's and others all engulfed within, and a terrifying feeling they are smoldering, it is too hot as the flames can be seen----there is no other words to explain what is coming, it just is. The fire ball is very real to me, burning, and I sometimes can see these arms, sometimes faces rolling behind me faster and faster, unending silent screams and cries in pitches of torture and almost death like, escape this fire ball that sometimes comes in waves as though a storm is brewing out at sea pushing the screams and cries in and out, at times hitting me yet pulling back as fast.

Familiar yet unfamiliar, known yet at times unknown. And the voices though silent to the world screams and beckon me but I am too terrified to look back, through an invisible face, for too long. It is just gaining ground and coming. I feel like I am there but gone, a white dress without a face, but there none the less.

Sometimes my fear of dying from growing old hits me but sometimes I fear my death will come from within through those set up to do this. But I am so afraid, I was never a child, as memories remembered reveal, except through flashes and flickers of my own memories at times show themselves, and memories that have come forth from others within.

Childhood was so terrifying that I don't remember being a child except through hiding within the walls that surrounded me, silent cries never heard outside of myself, floating high above that body there being abused, flying out to the moon with Christoper countless nights, flying with the night children up into the trees and back, isolation from the world locked within--I just cannot put anything more. My own fear right now is stopping me.

I feel as though I am reaching down once again typing as black on this white screen is filling it and I am not attached and can't be. These very words scare me, fill me with this sense of running and even of death. How does one grow old when one was never young except through a terror most of the world does not know, will never know or be able to understand? When death was real and encircled one and childhood never really existed in our world.

Playing was not the play it seems most children play, obedience a must, neatness was above all else, questions non-existent, emotions and feelings pulled into safety as they were not allowed, and a little girl turned into a woman much, much too early, to an thing----just an object that never knew or felt wanted, that did and acted as instructed, that never knew life the way it is told it should have been, and even today still reacts, responds, and often feels punished or laughed at all over again or still. Love only existed as attention equaled pain, pain equaled sex, sex equaled obedience, obedience equaled love. (or many other words could replace sex, words I cannot put down, that only then would eventually then equal love).

Abuse was real and was life, even as we grew. We were old without a childhood, we were never allow to be a real child, not a child to what children are to be or to what we see now. We are so lost to what children are now, even to our own children--we just knew they could never be treated like us, never know what we knew---we knew that somehow within. Just never....... And love.....maybe our love shown was not what love was supposed to be, but we tried. But we just had to have them (children), somehow to bring them back, the ones lost. Even though we knew the children could not or would not be the others, somehow it was a life, a life that had to live.

When they put those babies in my/our arms---I/we just knew we never wanted them to hurt, to feel like a thing or an object, to feel wanted, to be everything they could possibly be that was good........if that was love, then they were loved by me/us. And although I cannot remember a lot of their childhood, it does at times come in pieces or flashes. At some times I can remember it more, especially as they got older and could do more for themselves.

As babies, I could never give them a bath at first and still struggled with that when I did, changing them was really hard, as they got ready to be potty trained, I never could as it terrified me and I had help with that, and never hit them or whip them but used time out instead. They were spoiled, made sure they had everything. And I always told them I loved them, they were beautiful, and that they could do and be anything they wanted. Not like me always put down and made to feel like a failure. That was our love, not anything like the love we knew. Nothing at all. I/we just knew they could never know that kind of love.

(And in using we in writing this, it is because often I didn't know others were there and doing what I could not do, not until many years later, and still now learning about those that stepped forward I didn't know or have any connection too or know existed, sometimes still even now. And as I write this from above, the question in going forward, the question of who I really am is real and I am not really sure. Am I the core little one that is some part of her that didn't fully die, grew to now, or am I just another part that has stepped forward to function the most except when others still now appear without knowledge?)

But now me, the one existing now, knowing most times I am here or at least more now than before, semi-safe now from them if I and others that know to keep us all as safe as possible do what we can to keep safety in place, knowing at any time the worst could come if they wanted it to, and if the ones inside don't do what seems to echo within, "to end us," don't take over and do what they were programmed to do.

Am I the real one that started or just another part now trying to live in this world, functioning in this life through what I have come to learn, disappearing or floating high when times like this feels too exposing and raw, too terrifying to say yet wanting so much to connect to someone--somewhere that I am not alone or still there. Am I living now out of a dream, that very dream of a child that someone would know we existed, someone would know we were here, someone would care, and somehow that love word comes and wants to be known so bad. There has to be more to that word, we beg there is.

Are we going to awake and all this be just a vapor that vanishes within the nightmare we are living out from our childhood, one we all just wanted to escape? Did that one that started die back there in that childhood not fully connected or even a part of her, a childhood not even sure somewhere it is wanted to be connected to, and us all running, begging the dream to take us away, wanting so bad to be somewhere else, just somewhere else?

Please tell us we are somewhere else, we all want to know for sure. Please don't laugh at us, don't laugh at me, please just don't. Even if no one understands or believes us, please just don't laugh at us. They did that, please just don't be a part of them. Please, I beg you. Knowing they will see and read this, knowing that they will copy it and send it out, making it hard to post this but wanting to somewhere, just somewhere.

And to our abusers that will do that, go ahead. We know you are here, either physically or as a visitor, and we know you already know everything. Would you like us to copy it and send it to you to save you the trouble? It is no secret......we know.....

Yes, I am afraid to grow up, that I am going to die before living, before getting out or rescuing those within the fire ball racing towards me. I look back and see it, it is as real as the black on this white screen. And no matter what has been said before this is real right now. Fall is coming, it is felt, and it is breathed. And yes, we are running from that, and the fire ball is racing towards me.

Maybe that makes me the real child from it all, but I feel life is going to engulf me, before I grow old. Before I ever know for sure. And I never got to be young to know how to be old. And maybe some are laughing, don't understand, don't care to. But for me this is really hitting me with a fear I have not felt or gone through before.

Sometimes in all this we write, we hope somehow that the writing is real and somehow will let someone know we were here if somehow we are not. We write a thank you to even the dream, for letting us live and be somewhere else, and maybe that sounds stupid, but where the dreams always came was not stupid, imagined, or safe.

Maybe this comes from remembering writing in the air at times because back then writing it on paper was not safe, it was always found and either taken and destroyed; ripped up in front of us and we were punished; and even later taken from our home when we didn't know----hidden in an attic as evil and of the devil. So this does not seem so stupid to me/us. We all want to know, all of us.

And I need our friend, but am so very afraid to reach. Somewhere I feel stupid, but I also feel so terrified. And she doesn't even know. I can't tell her. And what is even more terrifying is even if she knew, I still can't tell her, not the depth or the realness this feels as life to her is a known reality, a reality I/we are still trying hard to find and grasp a hold of.

I don't want her to think I am crazy or losing my mind. I am not. I don't want her to walk away or leave. And I don't want anyone to think I am crazy or losing my mind. I am not. I am really trying hard to find answers, to find a way to feel I am not in a dream....that the world did not go on without me here. It is so hard to explain or even write.

I am not stupid, I really struggle with this, sometimes more than other times, and this is now one of those times. And I am too afraid this is not or would not be understood, and maybe it is not. Somewhere it is not connecting and a snowed screen within the running backwards computer is disconnecting any connection trying to be made or kept. Sh.........highlight..........clear...........



And as much as the masks go on to the world surrounding us, as much as the masks hide what is really going on within myself and others, and as much as the masks are getting so heavy to hold up as the coats painted to cover is weighing heavy from all the many days, years they have been put on, and as much as we try to hide, we are being as real and honest in this as we can.

And we, especially me, are so afraid that if the masks fall, the ugliness starring back at anyone will be too much, to much not only for others but for us, for me. The ugliness just waiting to show the world just how worthless and nothing I am. Just how pathetic and empty I really am. Just how marred and rejected I should be.

The ugliness screams though silently, for when it does expose itself, it will shatter me and all that I know. Will it awaken me from the dream, and death will surely be waiting for me there beneath the mask, the dream..........and where I am. I am simply and honestly really unsure and very terrified.........I really am unsure.............just please don't laugh....please..................

dps