Well, so I wasn't terminated by default last week despite not responding with a yes or no to my T's deadline.

Thanks to the people who posted on my thread and were very patient and supportive, I also gleaned what I'm doing wrong, by all the self-censorship I do, how that isn't helping. I also am not able right now to go cold turkeying off therapy, it would be losing a resource.

Now it's the night before though, I am actually scared. This can't be good scared we'll have an awkward atmosphere, where I get annoyed at the futility and close down, and she gets aggressive, and if I choose to not shut down I will rise to it and get cross back and we'll just have a row. And then I'll waltz off into the sunset in a mad mix of pain and frustration again.

I'm worrying about whether my mood/ level of determination will be acceptable, if I hit the right mark it will be a great session and if I'm not good enough at being open/ enthused about new ideas, then it will go to the dogs. We exchanged a couple of nice messages over the week, and I practised being extremely blunt about something sexual (a good thing that happened) and she was encouraging, to try to brace myself for being as real as possible in session, so the relationship wasn't left on a cliffhanger, but...I dunno.

This is like russian roulette. I AM SO NERVOUS.