It's generally a vicious cycle - "I drink because I feel depressed and I feel depressed because I drink."

Most people (IMO all people) with a drinking problem have a comorbid mental illness, be it transient or permanent.

The first place I went to when I thought I had a problem wasn't actually AA. It was therapy. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

How have you alienated yourself from your other group of friends? Can you reconnect with them? What about family?

When I graduated college, I was pretty unmotivated, completely lost, had no idea what to do with myself. That's when my real problems started. By the end, six years later, I was mostly binge drinking alone, isolating. I was in an awful, messy, black place. My best friend literally saved my life one night. I won't share the details. But when I woke up the next morning, I decided I was done with the pain. I wanted to live. Trust me, it wasn't as triumphant as it sounds. I was hungover as hell, full of shame, guilt, anxiety, remorse, sadness, and fear, but I knew I was done. I knew it was my last warning.

God, you sound just like I did back then, too: "Go through this struggle just to die anyways at the end? Seems pointless." I used to think the same thing all the time. I swear to you. I thought life was absurd. And I also swear to you it's not pointless. You have to find and create your own meaning from the struggle itself, and from your triumphs -- namely your triumphs over yourself. That's the point. Or one of the points, at least.