This is what is actually happening in my life so don't think that this is fabricated and hopefully you will all be understanding of my situation. I am a male reaching his 20th birthday and I've had countless moments where I have wanted to die. I've gone through most of my public school life as a shy and quiet boy who couldn't care less about other people. When I reached my late high school years I had my head filled up with notions that I was very handsome, had everything I could want financially and that I would soon find a female to connect with. All of these things have reached a very cold reality to drag them from the clouds. I've had opportunities in high school to mingle with girls and even had ones that I wasn't attracted to hit on me. The thing is that I ruined each and every opportunity with them because of my quiet, awkward and anxious nature.

Around my senior year I felt depressed because I felt my options were running short and I had to resort to going to prom alone. Left high school still emotionally stuck on some girl who rejected me when I was a Sophomore because she still just wanted to be friends. Along the way I realized that I started to develop feelings for my first cousin who's younger than me. Feelings I know are there only because I feel so rejected by everyone else and she being the only one willing to show me attention. Still knowing why the feelings are there isn't the same as knowing how to get rid of them. My father died during my time at college and this greatly expanded my sorrow, forcing me to go to a counselor to seek therapy. The Sophomore girl, despite her claims to want to be friends, doesn't contact me anymore though we were close friends before I admitted my feelings to her. I feel hurt that she doesn't talk to me or invite me to do things anymore because I haven't tried to take a pass at her since the first time. This hurt made me want to express those same feelings to my cousin and I almost did. I called her and got into a personal conversation that I chose not to let finish. Now I no longer talk with my cousin (which I prefer than to ruin our relationship by telling her my feelings for her).

I am now alone and trying to find ways to **** my sadness by trying to put effort into my school studies (because I had been failing miserably because of my depression) and trying to pick up piano lessons to occupy my mind.