Hi, I have PTSD and depression. Basically I live my life in both a safe and sad way almost as a way to protect myself. So if I feel happy for a short time I feel scared. In other words, a happy safe life seems so unfamiliar to me that I keep fearing either bad things happening (hypervigilance of PTSD) or me failing at dealing with them in a successful manner (hopelessness and helplessness of depression).

Example: one day you wake up and you think, Oh thank God I'm feeling better and I feel more hopeful about the future, could my depression be lifting? Then suddenly twenty minutes later you think, But what if the phone rings and dad just had a heart attack?! Or mom was in a terrible car accident? Oh no I can't handle any more loss, it's gonna feel terrible to go from the little joy I'm feeling to the horrible depth of depression, so let's just stay depressed, let's not get excited about the joy. I will lose everything I have anyways, including myself, and it's only a matter of time before disease or accidents takes away my loved ones and myself too.

But then another part of me says, NO, NO!! Says I'm sick of doing this to myself, I WILL be able to deal with traumas and emergency situations, I'm not gonna go back under the cover of hopelessness and helplessness of depression, I'm not gonna stay home again today and hide in my safe place, I will force myself to face the world, I will be able to deal with emergencies and to do so it does not require that I remain so tense that I can't sleep at night (my current situation) and so tense that I can't feel anything and so tense that I'm always startled. NO! But then I think, But how do I know I can handle it? When you're depressed, it's tough even taking out the garbage, answering the phone, and taking the bus (oh god, that rare occasion that I have to do it, torture).

How do you do it? Do you worry about those emergency situations that seem to combine the worst of feelings, the helplessness of trauma and hopelessness of depression, the fear and misery of loss, the deep feeling of incompetence? Have you been in such a situation since you been traumatized or depressed? How did you handle it? Did it result in a loss? Were you exhausted? Were you at peace? Did you prevent loss? How would you describe the experience overall, the terrible anxiety and shock at first, the worries of worst case scenario, the hopelessness, and how did you feel after? You don't have to share or tell me anything but just say as much as you want and thank you very much for sharing with me whatever you do.