I wish I would be able to respond to you all individually but I'm at work. I did want to just clarify one thing first-my T never said that he was terminating me. He said that if the texting and emailing continued-we would need to take a break-while he figured out where to go with me clinically and the best way to approach this situation. He has boundaries already set up-but I keep breaking them-his responses have only been to state that I were to send one more text the break would need to happen. The problem is that recently, I have been feeling so depressed, that some of my texts were inappropriate as far as stating things like I just want to die. He explained in a patient and firm manner that he cannot have that type of text (that if I needed to go to the hospital I needed to go-but to not put him in a situation in which he might potentially not see a crisis. I am allowed to call him and tell him if I am going to the hospital-but it's stressful for him to feel like he is put in a situation where he might potentially not see a text, or be in a place where he might need to hospitalize me. He has told me many times that he cares about me deeply and that he wants me to feel better, but that he needs his boundaries in order to keep working with me. I get that intellectually, but there is an emotional part-that keeps on going despite what I know-and almost wants to push him to that edge....or that it doesn't matter what type of communication from him-I want it. I'm not sure-I'm still trying to figure it all out.
I agree that I need to have people outside of T to talk to or even just be around-because it feels like sometimes he has become everything important and it all revolves around him. I also want to take a break from trauma for a while and just focus on getting stable...I'm switching meds and it's all a mess.
I thought last night about using my work email instead of personal for all our exchanges so that it HAS to be only professional items-like setting up schedules....I don't know...I'm still debating about going or leaving him alone for awhile because I feel so bad about my recent behavior.
thank you all for this support and words